By Alan Jacob, CMHC
WHAT THE FORMULA DOES
The Formula for Emotions explains how our sensory system for emotional pain serves the same purpose as our sensory system for physical pain, both telling us to move away from the source of pain. When physical pain occurs, our instinct is to move away from it, tend to it, and care for it. Our negative and distressing emotions tell us our negative and unrealistic beliefs about ourselves, others, and our experiences are harmful and create unnecessary pain – to move away from harmful beliefs by becoming aware of them, understanding them, and changing them. Our emotions are created from our beliefs. From our experiences, positive or negative, we create our beliefs and the meaning associated with those beliefs. How we believe about ourselves, someone or something creates meaning, and that meaning creates our emotional responses. Many of us struggle with our current beliefs in how they impact us and others and our understanding of how to change them or even if we can change them.
This article explains the relationship between physical pain and emotional pain, how emotions reflect our beliefs, how beliefs are formed, which ones create our emotional pain, how to listen to our emotions, and how to resolve this process step by step to change our harmful beliefs to what works. This article explains how to understand and separate from our ego self and connect with our Authentic Self.
Expand Consciousness
The more experiences we have, the more we expand our consciousness. Expanding our consciousness means we understand ourselves, others, and our world with more clarity, significance, and purpose. Expanding our consciousness begins by evaluating our beliefs about ourselves and their accuracy and then choosing to change the beliefs that no longer represent who we are. If we think we’re less than, we need to think again. We may need to think of some new thoughts and words and possibly do some new things to adjust the inaccuracy of our perceived inadequacy. This formula provides a step-by-step process of changing beliefs that limit us and installing new beliefs that connect us to larger visions and versions of ourselves.
We have complete control and flexibility over what we believe or want to believe. Evidence of this can be found when we travel to a new destination and form new beliefs, meanings, and emotions based on that new experience; when we change our belief about someone when we come to understand them better; when we change our belief about a particular food we don’t like to liking it; when we change our believe about something fearful to avoid, then understanding it and now it no longer matters; experiences from our youth that mattered then but as we age, matter less; when we discover within ourselves we are worth more than we had initially believed.
THE RELATIONSHIP OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN
Emotions are a blend of physiological sensory responses we experience within us to external and internal stimuli. Emotions enhance or amplify our experiences, whether positive or negative. Emotions can measure the degree to which we care, positive or negative. Our experiences, memories, thoughts, beliefs, meaning, others, and self activate or trigger them. They are another part of our sensory system, and like the other senses, they bring a sense of “aliveness’ to our experiences. Emotions can keep us safe (our intuition, real safety issues) and help us define our world by giving more profound meaning to experiences and relationships with others and ourselves. Our emotions produce tremendous energy, frequency, and vibration that we can choose to use for our Authentic Self or Illusion of Control. Our beliefs and meanings about our experiences will decide what kind of energy, frequency, and vibration we are working with or what to change.
Pain is Pain
We think our negative emotions confirm our negative beliefs about what is out of place, but in reality, they’re letting us know to move to safety internally, safety in thought and belief. Just like physical pain, when something hurts us, we instinctively move away from the source of pain. Emotional pain is the same. We see or experience something outside of us that we believe shouldn’t be happening and get a negative emotion about that thing.
Our negative emotion at that moment tells us to move to internal safety – “Hey you, you can’t control that! Stop thinking that you can! Can’t you feel this pain? Change the belief because it won’t work!” We think the external thing is the source of our negative emotions, but our internal belief about wanting to control what we can’t, wanting something to be different than it IS, is the actual source.
We have a sensory system that allows us to feel pain physically. We have a different sensory system that enables us to feel emotional pain. What they have in common is to tell us to move away from the source of pain. Physical pain is something that injures our body. Emotional pain can injure our body as well and lead to destructive, unhealthy coping mechanisms and protective solutions designed to avoid or deny, which create more problems than intended.
How Emotional Pain Spreads
We have specific beliefs (formed in childhood) based on our experiences that say a person, events, and situations should happen the way we think they should. This creates expectations in our mind, and what follows any expectation is a desired result and outcome. Examples can include: We’re mad at someone for betraying our trust = our internal belief is people should be trustworthy, so we should be able to trust people = We then feel the emotions of grief/frustration/anger. The negative emotions let us know what we want that person to do or not do is out of our control. The belief that got us to this emotional state is simple, “people should do what I think they should do,” which makes it impossible to get the results and outcomes we want because we can’t control what they do or don’t do.
Emotions Reflect Belief
Emotions reflect the nature of the belief. When we become externally or internally triggered, and our belief about the trigger is fearful, our emotions will be more fearful. Anger will be the dominant emotion if our triggered belief is more about injustice. If there is a loss, emotions will be more sad. If we hear a song that reminds us of a happy time, we can experience emotions of happiness, joy, and nostalgia. We can flow from one emotion to another depending on what is happening and what we are thinking at that moment. Our thoughts move fast, and the emotions follow. We can be sad at a loss, and when we think of how it should be instead of how it is, we can fluctuate between sad and frustrated, feeling them both simultaneously.
The Illusion of Control begins when we notice something outside us is out of place. We say to ourselves, “Hey, they shouldn’t do that; this shouldn’t be there; this shouldn’t be happening; it shouldn’t have happened the way it did; it shouldn’t be happening as it currently is; these events, people, things or ideas shouldn’t be happening; it shouldn’t happen like this in the future,” and the list continues. We take notice when someone or something “is coloring outside the lines.” From all our noticing and commenting on what shouldn’t be, we have beliefs created around what we think SHOULD happen in our mind. The “shouldn’t” implies the “should.” We imagine the ideal outcomes and results for everyone and everything past, present, and future.
What We Want To Control
The problem is when the outcomes and results don’t happen as expected, negative emotions rise. Logically, we can’t literally control what anyone thinks, says, or does. We don’t have a Delorean Time Machine to change the past and visit the future or a magic wand for the present. However, our expectations for results and outcomes of ourselves and others reflect these abilities. The outcomes and results we want without a way to control how to get them, create our Illusion of Control. From this illusion, negative emotions flow through us continuously like a river. We have misread what our negative emotions are telling us to the point of avoidance, suppression, and denial. We control our emotions when we control what we believe.
What to Expect with Expectations
The formula focuses on the beliefs we create from our experiences and how those beliefs become about what “should” happen with ourselves, things, and people. These “shoulds” create expectations within us of fixed and final results and outcomes. Our expectations of what “should be” and these results and outcomes can lead to negative emotions. Why? Because we can’t get what we want when how we want it is unrealistic. When we expect results and outcomes without a way to control or how to produce them, it harms us from the inside out due to negative emotions under pressure without escape. This creates our emotional pain. These unresolved emotions become an open nerve, only to be re-triggered again and again by the slightest irritation.
Then, an Illusion of Control is created by expectations for what we want to happen with ourselves, someone, something, past, present, or future. Many of us don’t even realize we’re creating these expectations within us. Our negative emotions, though, tell us that we have created these expectations, whether we are aware of them or not. We feel these expectations and unresolved results and outcomes through negative emotions. We just aren’t listening to these emotions. It’s time to understand what they’re telling us. We haven’t collectively made the connection that emotional pain and physical pain are telling us the same thing – move away from the source of pain. So many of us struggle to find the thoughts, words, and behaviors to overcome the immense mental effort that is wasted and turns into pain and suffering by imagining ourselves, others, and things being what we wish they were or should be rather than what IS.
THE LAKE
An analogy that may provide a better understanding of the process of our experiences to emotions is as follows: Imagine we are standing next to a lake. The water is glass, like a blank slate. I ask you to pick up a small rock and throw it into the lake. You throw it, and the rock leaves your hand and travels through the air until it makes contact with the water, splashes, and makes ripples that spread throughout the lake until the ripples reach the shore by where we are standing. In short order, the lake returns to its pristine state. “The rock you threw, as it travels through the air, represents any of your life experiences, past, present, or future,” I say. “When your experience connects with the water, the splash represents your belief(s) about your experience.” As the ripples expand, I tell you, “They represent the meanings from the beliefs you created from your experience. Notice how far they reach.” As the ripples come close to the shore, “Put your hands in the water. Do you feel the waves?” “Yes,” you reply. “What you feel results from an experience, belief, and meaning. They are your emotions. They ebb and flow, they will fade, and the lake will restore its balance.”
The ripples reach the shore in the form of frequency, energy, and vibration, and when we put our hands in the water, we feel an ebb and flow; these are our emotions. The analogy applies to positive and negative experiences, beliefs, meanings, and emotions. It explains our sensory system that gives discovery, meaning, profoundness, and depth to our world as we experience it.
EGO SELF SEPARATIONS
When we become aware of ourselves we begin the process of discovering ourselves. The ego self initiates a separation between ourselves and our caregivers so that we can see ourselves as individuals with a unique identity, “I am me, they are them.” As we grow and mature, this separation allows us to have our own experiences, our own relationships, our own likes and dislikes, etc.
Reality testing is another function of our ego self (the inner critic in our heads). Reality testing’s design is to identify the IS-ness of the physical world when we are very young, e.g., up/down, left/right, hot/cold, etc. Reality testing measures ourselves within the context of the real world through logic, e.g., hot things can burn us, so we sense heat; stuff out of reach requires a step ladder or a taller person because we aren’t tall enough; flipping the switch turns lights on, so we can see, etc.
Ego Measurement
The ego self accurately measures the IS-ness of the concrete world – we know hot, we know cold, that’s why hot and cold are universal, same as up and down, left and right, etc. Growing up in our home culture, the ego self quickly internalizes “acceptable” rules of thought, word, and action and then forms opinions and judgments of ourselves and others in relation to these rules. This process is relative to each home, but the ego self takes it as law. This is where we begin to struggle because the logic initially formed around the IS-ness of real things is now used when we don’t do things “right” according to the rules. The ego self begins a critical inner dialogue to keep us safe from negative consequences when we don’t follow the rules. This internal critical dialogue also creates further separation between who we truly are and who we think we are based on inaccurate measurements from the ego self.
People are our most common reality when we’re very young, and we constantly measure ourselves against them. Think siblings and friends. It starts with grades, accomplishments, and attention. The critical inner dialogue we hear within our heads comes from inaccurate and negative measurements(not good enough, not smart enough, can’t make mistakes, etc.) formed in relation to others through comparison and contrast. Within this is where the theme of inadequacy begins.
Inaccurate Measurements
The ego self is trying to keep us safe, but its concrete, critical, and fearful nature cannot measure the abstract accurately, so it defaults to the negative, thinking it’s keeping us safe. A fear and negativity bias is wired into our brains, so we notice dangers/threats to survive them. These dangers/threats used to be sabertooth tigers and the like, but these threats today can be getting yelled at, getting a bad grade, when we’re not accepted/getting rejected, losses that we experience, people leaving for different reasons, and various traumas all happening at a young age. This negative is the beginning of our theme of insufficiency. It measures against the reality of what we THINK people are, e.g., “Parents can’t be wrong, so I must be wrong,” which can become a measurement of our identity – “Who I am is wrong.”
Reality testing becomes skewed by what we fear, what we think “should” be, or what we wish. These fears metastasize to broader themes such as missing out on something we don’t have, losing someone or something we currently have, or being less than, incomplete, and unhappy without that someone or something and the accompanying theme that we are not enough to get them.
Measure Up
The ego self is NOT what we want to measure SELF in terms of value, worth, progress, deservedness, happiness, or giving or receiving love. It will not factor in accomplishments or all of our positives. It takes moving out of our ego self and accessing our mind, our Higher Self, to retrieve and apply those positive memories. We measure ourselves against others, and they become our metric, i.e., “This is who I am, compared to them and others, and I don’t measure up and never will. I’m just not enough.” Most of us spend the better part of our lives trying to measure up. In contrast to this, because of the ego self’s either/or thinking, we can also compensate for our insufficiency with thoughts of, “I’m better than everyone else.” We don’t question these measurements we’ve been using for years because they’re all we’ve ever known. This metric is entirely inaccurate because the people we measure ourselves against are not us, and we will never be them. The others we measure against are inaccurate in their reality testing because they also use the same measurement metric of THEMselves. So, our whole measurement system is incorrect. This begins our separation from who we truly are; we are not this measurement of the ego self.
Feel the Ego Self
To better understand the ego self, say this internally for a few seconds using the Breath of Life app’s music, “I agree to the reality that I’ve always been enough, so I am that.” Notice the resistance? The thoughts that may come in trying to remind us that it’s untrue? That is the ego self. Continue saying this with the music, notice the resistance fade, and our emotions shift to positive the more we say, and install this core belief. The decision is ours to keep this resistance or move to reality.
Until we understand this part of our Selves and confront it appropriately by agreeing with reality and recognizing the inaccuracies, we will accept ego-self thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, others, and relationships, past, present, and future, as completely accurate.
Abstract Measurements
What we are missing is accurate reality testing of the measurement of ourselves against our beliefs. The ego self is out of its league with abstracts, measurements of the quality of something; our mind is supposed to do that, our higher thoughts. Our higher thoughts are not negative. They validate and connect with our most profound feelings of complete confidence about our beliefs about ourselves, our behaviors, our relationships, and the many choices in our lives. When we project these thoughts and beliefs about our life decisions, there is no doubt, anxiety, fear, anger, or pause. This is our Authentic Truth, and it resonates deeply within us.
Authentic Self Replaces Ego Self
Our Authentic Truth confirms our life choices, saying, “This is what works for me. This is my highest choice for me and others.” What works or doesn’t work for us becomes our Authentic Choice. These choices are less about opposites such as win/lose, gain/loss, and best/worst, but more about the highest good for us and others. We use our Authentic Truth and Authentic Choice in every aspect of our lives, which creates our Authentic Self. Our Authentic Self is the sum total of ourselves that motivates us to do and act. Being our Authentic Self daily deactivates and replaces our ego self and relegates it to actual safety issues, which it does well. Our Authentic Self says we now BE this and put our authenticity into action, and then we ARE this. When we become aware of ourselves separated from our ego self, we begin the process of discovering ourselves anew.
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CONTROL AND EMOTIONS
Imagine we are walking down the sidewalk, and we find ourselves next to a simple two-wire electric fence around someone’s yard. As we stand there, you become agitated that there is a fence, and it’s on. You become so angry that you grab the fence to rip it out, but the electricity flowing through you now puts a pause on that. You begin yelling to me, “This fence shouldn’t be on or even be here! I can’t believe this is here!” I yell back, “Holy smokes, let go of the fence! It’s not yours to change!” You are struggling now as the fence is giving you extra energy you don’t need. “Let go of the fence! We’ll go a different way! They can do what they want on their property!” I yell because the electricity is shutting down your ability to listen to reason. Finally, you let go of the fence. “Wow, that feels better.” “Of course it does,” I say. “You can’t control that the electric fence is there or that it’s on. It just IS.” You reply, “Well, it still shouldn’t be here, and it shouldn’t be on.” “What the fence should be or shouldn’t be isn’t up to you,” I say.
Shoulds vs True Control
This analogy is about understanding and establishing True Control. When we have True Control, we understand the difference between what WAS and what IS and agree to realistic results and outcomes that may or may not happen through what we can control. Results are what we get when we follow a process. Outcomes are results plus impact. An example of a result followed by an outcome would be, “If they would just do this thing, then there would be greater peace, and I would be safer and happier.”
When we use “shoulds,” it begins the process within us to see the person, event, or situation as we believe it “should be.” Quoting Merriam-Webster, “should” means “to be under necessity or obligation to; what is probable or expected. “Synonyms include “must, need, will, have to, ought to.”
When Shoulds Are a Problem
The first part of the problem with “Shoulds” is that when we use them, we create unrealistic expectations, and the very nature of an expectation is an imagined story projected to a specific result and outcome.
The second part of the problem with “shoulds” is that the results and outcomes we want are entirely outside our ability to achieve, yet we keep the beliefs that create our “shoulds.”
The third part of the problem with this kind of “should” is by keeping these beliefs of how things, self, and others “should be,” we are frequently triggered into various adverse emotional reactions. An example is the belief that “people should treat others with respect.” Someone cuts in line at the store, cuts us off in traffic, or writes a disparaging comment on social media. As the belief stands, we expect respect from others, but the belief alone cannot get the desired result or outcome. We want others to comply with our shoulds. And when they don’t, we are emotionally triggered. Our triggered emotion doesn’t confirm our belief; our emotion tells us our belief won’t work.
The fourth problem with our “shoulds” is that they create inaccurate judgments about ourselves that we hear from our inner critic, the ego-self. These inaccurate judgments become beliefs from “I’m never good enough, I don’t measure up, I’m a failure” to “I’m not enough.”
Shoulds in Action
We all have different beliefs about what respect is or isn’t. Give the benefit of the doubt – people could be in a hurry or didn’t see us. Why are we assuming disrespect? And what if it was? What if it was blatant? How do we get the result we want without verbal or physical confrontation? Is that confrontation going to convert them to our belief about respect? Can we punish others into compliance? “Oh, now that you’ve punched me in the face and bloodied my nose, I can see you were right. How stupid of me. Thank you for showing me disrespect so that I can learn respect.” Joking aside, what do we do? We change the belief. What’s the belief? “I agree to the reality that people can believe and behave differently about the same thing, so I control what I can.” Again, without a way to get the results and outcomes we want, expecting them harms us.
Shoulds That Work
“When are “shoulds” okay?” “Shoulds” within our power to control results and outcomes work for us. These “shoulds” can sound like “I should be more organized.” “I should change my sleep schedule.” “I should eat healthier.” “I should do self-care every day.” “I should be more respectful.” These “should’s” are entirely within our control to get the results and outcomes we want. “Shoulds” about ourselves that put us on a path to progress and not measured by negative judgments are appropriate. These “shoulds” can turn into beliefs that are grounded in reality.
The problem is that when we don’t do the “shoulds” we can control, they can turn on us as harmful judgments against ourselves. “I should exercise more, but I’m not because I’m lazy. Something is wrong with me. I’m a failure.” Then the script can turn into “I shouldn’t be this broken,” and then thoughts of hopelessness and a myriad of negative emotions follow.
Measuring Us
We start with an idea of what we want our progress to be, “I should take better care of myself.” And that “should” = results and outcomes that we control by doing self-care activities. During this process of our progress, we run into our belief we should be “perfect” about our process of progress. So when we miss a day or two or three, these “shoulds” of our perfection become critical against ourselves, and then we stop our attempts at progress altogether because we will keep missing the mark.
If we can directly control the outcomes and results required by a “should,” then that “should” works for us. When our “shoulds” don’t work, it can sound like, “I should be better than who I am, then I would be happy.” The problem with shoulds like this is that the metric we use to measure “better” or “happy” is flawed. Better than what? Better than when? The critic inside our heads asks, “Are we there yet?” And we don’t even know what “there” is. Because what are we measuring it against? Our fixed and final judgments are weighted against a metric that cannot define “better” or “happy.” Because better and happy are in the eyes of the beholder, and much, if not most, of our judgments come from measuring ourselves against others. “They’re happy, why aren’t I?” “Why can’t I be like them?” Negative emotions then grip us, so we stop trying and judge ourselves harmfully and inaccurately. “There’s something wrong with me.”
ILLUSION OF CONTROL
The Illusion of Control = fixed and final results and outcomes from what we wish and what we think should happen or should have. Because what we want to control is either in the past, another person, events, or situations we have no direct control over, or the future that has yet to happen, getting the results we want is impossible. Too often, what we focus on as our intention becomes our reality, so our “reality” becomes what we think “should be” rather than what IS. We don’t have a remote control for other people, and we don’t have a time machine to travel to the past or future to change things.
The Cost of the Illusion
Staying within our Illusion of Control, we try to control what we can’t and argue internally against the external reality of events, things, and people. “But I’m not trying to control things or others. I know I can’t.” Our effort to control events, things, and others we know we cannot is through our continued belief of how things “should” be and wishing it was “this” instead of “that.” In our heads, it sounds like “wishing, should’a, would’a, or could’a” will change the result or outcome. We are not satisfied with the reality of the results or outcomes that differ from what we want them to be, what we wish them to be, and what we believe they should be. These beliefs of how we think things “should be” immediately create an expectation for the result or outcome we want. But to no avail.
Not Letting Go Of The Fence
Trying to control things we can’t (not letting go of the fence), we get angrier and possibly more anxious that the pain won’t end and we won’t get what we want. We negotiate or argue with what we perceive as our pain’s source. We yell to the owner of the fence, “If you don’t turn this off right now and move this fence, I’m going to tear it down.” At this point, we are trying to control what we perceive as the source of our current pain.
Increasing our mental effort and emotional intent about a person, event, or thing, past, present, or future, does nothing to change it. It only makes it worse within us. As we do this, we focus on external things that we can’t control, and we cannot resolve anything we can’t control. Expecting a result or outcome from something or someone we cannot control creates emotional distress. When we expect results and outcomes from people and things outside our control and don’t get them as we see fit, we think life is unfair, or the world or universe is against us. More often than not, our ego self takes our inability to produce the results and outcomes we want and internalizes it as proof of our insufficiency.
Disappointment
Within this illusion, we are constantly disappointed. Disappointment is the end result of the lack of results we think should’ve happened. How does constant disappointment feel, both emotionally and physically? It is like trying to push a house six inches off its foundation all day, every day. Within the Illusion of Control, we consistently worry about missing out on something we don’t have, that we will lose someone or something we currently have, or that without that someone or something, we are less than, incomplete, and unhappy.
How accurate is what we think we know about self, others, events, and situations past, present, and future? Are our attitudes (readiness to respond), values (should/shouldn’t), and beliefs (something that may or may not be true) giving us a false positive?
EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS
We think we are doing something about the issue or that it will somehow change if we keep ruminating over it. This mental effort about what we can’t control creates various negative emotions. True Control is when we choose to let go of the fence. Choosing to open our hand and move it back, letting go, is our first step in living in the World of Can Control.
When faced with a concrete fear, an external, physical, and tangible risk to our physical safety, our sensory system becomes aware of the safety issue, and the true emotion of fear motivates us, with various chemicals, to boost our efforts in moving to safety. Once we move to safety, the distressing emotion subsides as balance is restored and the danger is past, and that aligns with reality. That’s why it’s common to feel a sense of relief.
How Beliefs Trigger Us
On a related level, for someone with symptoms of PTSD, any stimulus like the original situation can ignite fear and panic that can feel worse than the initial event. This fear feels concrete, actually happening again externally, but it’s just abstract fear. Abstract fear exists only in thoughts and ideas, e.g., what-ifs, a sense of impending doom, reminders of past trauma, etc. With actual safety issues – we are in alignment with reality. Our sensory system is aware of a safety issue, and the emotion (fear) aligns with what is happening externally. We detect danger, we feel fear, and the emotion matches the reality of the situation, so we move to safety. When the situation is resolved, the fear can quickly dissipate. However, after the issue is resolved, if we create the belief that the situation should never have happened or should’ve been different rather than initially agreeing to the reality of what WAS and what IS, we have now opened the possibility to re-experience the event(s) through avoidance of thoughts, memories, and activities that remind us of the original situation. This is an example of how what WAS contaminates our what IS.
Associations
Our ego self uses our sensory system to constantly scan for danger in the theme of what we originally experienced, but rarely is there a real danger in the negative associations it makes. Negative associations are when our ego self creates a relationship with a current thing that symbolizes the negative thing or experience from our past. These fear-based negative associations become negative emotional triggers in our present, regardless of whether the current trigger poses any real danger. We then believe the same danger/safety issue will happen at any moment, around any corner. This process no longer aligns with reality, and we can feel it with emotions of abstract fear, anxiety, and panic.
Our negative emotions are not telling us to be afraid of the thing. Our negative emotions are telling us to move away from beliefs not grounded in reality. Our negative emotions are simply the reflection of the fear-based belief. When we are angry or anxious, what is happening outside us doesn’t match what we think and believe it should be, and negative emotions tell us of the imbalance. Life is impossible when we live in the World of Can’t Control, and our negative emotions remind us of this every day that we stay there.
As Carl Jung said, “What we resist persists.” The more we resist what WAS and what IS, the more we re-experience what’s not real; it’s the theme of real. It’s not the thing anymore; the thing has become a theme. And that theme is anything that is like the original. When we resist, the ego self uses that resistance (thinking it’s keeping us safe) to create associations with things that are like what actually happened. Those things can be sights, sounds, smells, almost anything. The ego self creates the belief that it’s happening all over again with negative associations. It broadens its search for potential threats within the theme of danger, which becomes hypervigilance. It thinks it keeps us safe through endless surveillance to find danger, that it can happen anytime, anyplace, and anywhere through the imaginary scenarios of our what-ifs. What-ifs don’t solve problems. They amplify the beliefs that don’t agree with the reality of what WAS and what IS, which is the problem. The entire neural network of beliefs about the event is based primarily upon the belief that it shouldn’t have happened.
In the case of recreational fear, when we know we’re not going to die (fear minus death), we walk away with a sense of thrill, aliveness, and fun. Think roller coasters, haunted houses, or skydiving. But fear plus the unexpected, unknown potential for or experience of serious harm or death = trauma.
Trauma is relative to the individual. The kind of event that is traumatic to a five-year-old will be different for a twenty-five-year-old. But if the twenty-five-year-old was the five-year-old with that experience, until they change the belief and meaning to what WAS, the twenty-five-year-old will re-experience the trauma as if it was happening again at five years old. Again, what WAS becomes mixed with what IS. They don’t have to remember the trigger that connects the present to the past because the ego self scans for anything like the past event. How would we feel if the specific smell we associated with the original event no longer means what it does? The negative emotions would cease. The belief must change, not our reaction to the stimulus. It’s not going to happen again around every corner. The ego self thinks it’s helping us, but it’s tearing us apart.
Memories
Memories have no sense of time. Fear-based beliefs have no sense of dimension. This means years later, something similar in an entirely different context and place will connect the present trigger to our beliefs created from the original event. We act out again the same feelings from the original event. This is what a negative reaction attached to the past is. Our beliefs of fear are like a gas that seeks its volume. There is no dimension it won’t touch. The trigger just doesn’t have to mean what it does. Neither do the beliefs or meanings attached to them. Fearful beliefs from the ego self will latch on to anything within its current vicinity. Everything, all at once, happening now. Agree to the reality that___
Contrast this with beliefs surrounding something that is a positive memory. Our same sensory network re-experiences a song, a smell, a sound, a picture, and we’re transported back to that time. We feel a positive emotion, a sense of nostalgia connected to beliefs of, “This is awesome, great, should’ve happened,” because it DID happen. Our positive emotions tell us we’re aligned with reality, what WAS.
When we live in the World of Can Control, we focus only on what we can do and what is in our power to act. Our ability to control emotions is the result of True Control. Living in the World of Can Control makes us feel good and creates more ideas, options, and solutions. When we are happy, our experience matches what we think and believe about it and the meaning it holds. Our positive emotions let us know we are aligned with what IS. Remember our experience at the lake.
WHAT IS CONTROL
Focusing entirely on what IS restores our power and fades the negative emotions by controlling what we can. We may not resolve everything we want, but we can resolve what is within our control to produce results and outcomes. Work on the possible, not the impossible. In many, if not most cases, “should” or “shouldn’t” be is out of our control. If we change our belief from what “should” or “shouldn’t” be to “what IS,” we can find the power to act. Aware of our power to act, our emotions will shift to a more positive state.
What WAS and What IS
To understand what IS, we must understand its relationship to what “should” or “shouldn’t” be. What “should” or “shouldn’t” be is not real. “Should” or “shouldn’t” are imagined stories of how we wish it was, is, and will be. Do our imagined stories match the reality of what WAS and what IS? No, they won’t because the stories are not real; they are only thoughts. We keep hoping that something will change to make our stories real. Maybe, if we think hard enough about it, we hope it will.
True Hope
True hope is a feeling of trust that things will work out without expecting a specific result or outcome. We may not know how it will work out, but we trust it will. However, many of us have turned hope into a camouflaged version of expectation. What creates true hope, dissolves the imagined stories, and brings our measurement true is the IS-ness of self, others, and things.
IS-ness
The IS-ness of someone or something in the present does not describe anything it doesn’t have. The IS-ness is its organic, elemental, and factual state within reality. What IS is a statement of fact, not a question; a complete agreement with what self, others, and things ARE, without resistance. What IS, is grounding. What IS brings us to the present, to reality, to its complete IS-ness. If we consistently live our lives in what IS, focusing only on what we can control, then results and outcomes just ARE. They are not an expectation; they are a natural side-effect of the process of what IS.
WAS-ness
WAS-ness is the state of something in the past – ourselves, others, events, things, etc. The WAS-ness of someone or something in the past does not describe anything it didn’t have. What WAS are the facts of what happened, void of any notion of what should or shouldn’t have happened or what we wish would’ve been different. What WAS refers to the factual past. In the past, everything and everyone, including ourselves, was an objective fact; we understand the reality of self, others, and things as they were, not as we wish it was. When we agree to the reality of what was, we can now choose what belief and meaning we give the past and how we want to experience our experiences. If we wish the past was different, it changes how we experience our experiences. Because the meanings we create from the past with what we think should or shouldn’t have happened are not based in reality, we can have distorted perceptions of self, others, and things with intense and distressing emotions. What WAS is no longer in the past; we’ve pulled it into the present, and it becomes what IS. Continuing to wish the past was different makes it present – it “IS.” We cannot change the past, so we can’t resolve what we can’t control.
Agreeing to the reality of what WAS allows us to define the elements of the past as examples or non-examples. An example becomes a model of what we will do in the present and the future. A non-example demonstrates what not to do in the present or future. What WAS and what IS are now in their proper places; they are defined by reality. A new belief that allows for this process is, “I agree to the reality of what WAS and define experiences as examples or non-examples.”
IS-ness of the Future
We can’t know the future the way we want to. So, we need a better system of dealing with it, and it starts with the question – “What is the IS-ness of the future?” Again, the IS-ness of someone or something in the future does not describe anything it won’t have. The IS-ness of the future describes others and things we know will be present when we arrive in that present.
Start with what we know about some specific event or situation in the future – “They will be there, this will be there, this event is happening then, etc.” This process is grounding because we are focusing on What IS in the future when we get there. Much of the future is unknowable, but what is knowable are our realistic plans of what we can control when the future becomes the present. We can take examples and non-examples from what WAS and utilize their reality to guide our IS-ness experiences in the future. This is the IS-ness of the future because the future IS going to happen. The unknown IS there, but this IS what we will do and how we will handle things. This IS how we anticipate situations in the future. Understanding the IS-ness of the future gives us more control over it.
What-ifs that run roughshod in our heads are not the what IS of the future. Many of these what-ifs are fear-based exaggerations of what might happen. To disrupt the cyclical process of our pain and suffering, “I agree to the reality of what IS, then control what I can.” Repeat this reality till it becomes our reality.
Why is this so important? Because it’s REAL. Our “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” are not reality, but we attach ourselves to them as if they were. We want what isn’t, but we need what IS. This non-reality is the source of much of our internal pain and suffering.
TRUE CONTROL
“So what, we aren’t supposed to expect things anymore? I’m just supposed to stand there and take it?” We can expect things, but only from ourselves. We can expect things when we can directly produce the results and outcomes we want through what we can and do control. “What about political issues I disagree with? Social issues that need to be addressed and be different?” Absolutely do something, but do what works within our power to act. Protest, go to rallies, and be a part of a group that works to help facilitate the change we want politically, socially, and collectively, from local to worldwide. If there isn’t one, create one. Through our thoughts, words, and actions, we physically and mentally agree to the reality of what IS and create a new path grounded in reality moving forward. We understand what is within our power to act and know that results and outcomes will vary depending on others, events, situations, past, present, and future.
With True Control, we know what WAS and what IS. We know we can control ourselves; we do that with our thoughts, words, and actions. Agree to results and outcomes however they come in relation to our effort, commitment, and control. True Control = We can choose how we respond in ANY situation, in any relationship. In True Control, “shoulds” don’t cloud the reality of ourselves, what IS, or who another person IS. Responding with True Control uses a set of different beliefs that change the meaning of the world around us and how we see ourselves within it. True Control develops a more accurate understanding of others and other things. If what others do doesn’t work for us, we create boundaries. Walk away, move away, say something, say nothing. We get to control how we respond. Use the same process for understanding what something WAS or IS.
WHAT WORKS FOR US
This formula explains the use of “what works for us” and “what doesn’t work for us.” What we might individually think of as “right” or “wrong” now we change to “what works for us” or “what doesn’t work for us.” We can use these phrases for anything. They are essential because they suspend opinions and judgments and both agree to the reality of what IS. How? By saying something “works for me” is just that, it works for ME. “What works for me” restricts our opinions and judgments to ourselves and does not impose them on anyone else, nor do we expect others to agree. What “works for me” does not imply it should also work for others.
By saying, “This works for me or doesn’t work for me,” we keep the responsibility on ourselves and stay self-focused. These phrases are statements of reality for us individually. “Works for me” (May not work for anyone else, and that’s okay) = things we like; agreeing to the reality of something or someone; the best good for us and others; keeps us in control; power to act; doesn’t impose our belief on anyone else; allows the process to be; what IS.
“Doesn’t work for me” (But it may work for them, and that’s okay) = things we don’t like; in regards to others, there may be things we may have to ignore, walk away from, confront appropriately, or if it’s a safety issue, we may have to get involved; if there is a political or social issue that doesn’t work for us, we can get involved or create our own movement; keeps us in control: doesn’t impose our belief on anyone else; allows the process to be; what IS.
OPINIONS AND JUDGMENTS
Opinions are our beliefs of anything we subjectively measure quality to, what we like, don’t like, best or worst, etc. Judgments are when we state those opinions as facts because of an experience, or we may have done some research to validate and raise our opinion to more of a judgment. Either way, our opinions and judgments measure the value, quality, and worth of self, others, and things. Both are our subjective measurements of the best or worst, right or wrong, good or evil, should or shouldn’t, and they imply, directly or indirectly, that they are valid for us and others. In contrast, what IS and what WAS are objective facts that work or don’t for us.
“Are you saying I can’t have an opinion now? That my judgments are all wrong?” No. Our opinions and judgments now become “works or doesn’t work” for us without expecting it to work the same for others. We commonly judge others’ model of the world, moral and ethical values, as “wrong,” but who is to say ours are “right”? Only us. We judge our values as “right” because we say they are. When we focus on what “works for us or doesn’t work,” we stop projecting our opinions and judgments on others.
Opinion and judgment are commonly used interchangeably, and too frequently, they focus on the negative. They create a critical measurement, and then we knowingly or unknowingly impose that opinion and judgment, our “rightness” or “wrongness,” “should or shouldn’t,” onto self, others, and situations past, present, and future. Many times, we are unaware we do this. We want others to agree with us so that we feel validated, and when they don’t, we can become critical, defensive, argumentative, and even hostile. We state our critical opinions and judgments as facts; others frequently accept them as facts, yet they are not. Our theme of insufficiency is reinforced through what we or others say and how we receive what is said. This leads to “I’m not enough” and everything related to that inadequacy.
Examples of this thinking can sound like, “They should agree with me, they should do what I do, they should think the same as me, like what I like,” or “Why didn’t anybody like my post or picture? Why don’t they like me? Why didn’t they message me back?” “Why are they judging me?” When people disagree with us, we consider it a judgment against US – who we ARE. These judgments create separation because they turn into an “us vs. them” environment rather than one of inclusion, acceptance, and agreeing to what IS.
UNDERSTANDING
The formula also defines understanding people as they are. Understanding someone is a complete agreement that “that IS who they are,” and all their thoughts, words, and behaviors are encapsulated within them, their IS-ness. It either works for us or doesn’t. Understanding agrees with the facts of reality, with what IS. Understanding grounds us in reality. We don’t have the thought that they should or shouldn’t be who they are because that is not in our ability to control or change. People that work for us fit our compatability and experiences. People that don’t work for us just don’t, and that’s okay. Understanding allows us to let go of people who don’t work for us instead of trying to prove our worth to them or change their minds to agree with ours. Understanding IS letting go.
Resolve With Understanding
Understanding relieves emotional pressure that has built up within us due to not getting the intended results or outcomes from our wishes or shoulds that cannot produce any result or outcome. Understanding fills the desire for resolution or closure without needing the other person’s participation. Understanding IS the resolution. Understanding brings clarity. Clarity is seeing through the minor differences within people that we know and love and those we don’t know. “How do we see someone we don’t know with clarity?” Imagine them as if they were us. If they were struggling, that is us struggling, and we understand what struggling is, so we understand their struggle as our own. Understanding agrees with and accepts the reality of what IS and who IS, not what “should or shouldn’t be.” Understanding allows us to define what works and what doesn’t work for us much easier. When we’re expecting results and outcomes we can’t control, the pressure builds and builds, ultimately elevating our fear, grief, and sorrow to heavy, depressed states and anger to festering resentment. We fear what we don’t understand. So, move into understanding, and fear will dissolve.
With constant use of the formula, we are much more aware of our emotions. This awareness makes it easier to notice and begin working the process to recognize the belief causing our negative emotions, question its effectiveness, and then actively install the new belief based on the reality that creates True Control. We no longer have to be afraid of or avoid our emotions. Now, we can listen to what our emotions tell us instead of ignoring, avoiding, denying, or suppressing them.
RESISTANCE
We struggle to see what we do to contribute to our Illusion of Control. Our thoughts of what we wish or think should happen equal our illusion of control. It is comprised of expectations for results and outcomes that we will not get, but we keep the thoughts and beliefs in our minds, which is the illusion. The results and outcomes we want are made from our beliefs but will not materialize because they are just thoughts. Believing something “should be” or “should have been” IS trying to control it because we want it different, even if it’s just mentally. We’ve overlooked what IS. Our thoughts, beliefs, and words reflect what we wish we could control but can’t, what we “should” control but can’t, and what “should” happen but isn’t. All these thoughts come from beliefs, and these beliefs create meaning. We know we can’t control things and others physically, but mentally, we continue to try to change results and outcomes through thoughts and words of “they should…, this should…, if only…, I wish, It could if… It would be all right if…”
The World of Can’t Control is an explosive mix of mental and emotional distress, pain, and heartache because we think someone should act how we think they should, and events and situations, past, present, and future, should happen as we think they should. At the same time, we know we have little to no physical control over many of these external things, yet we continue to exert mental control and effort toward the illusions of “If I could control it, it would be this way.” Logically, we know what we can’t control, but we still spend tremendous mental effort creating imaginary scenarios in which we get the results or outcomes we want. This mental effort breaks down to thoughts of “I know I can’t control it, but it still should be…” “Yeah, but I still wish it was…” “Yeah, but this is what’s right, so they should…” “If this would’ve happened, then…” “If I could’ve done this, then they would…”
Imagine we are standing in front of a tree. I say, “I agree to the reality of that tree. It is right in front of us.” You say, “I agree to the reality of that tree, but it shouldn’t be there.” That is resistance. It’s not a mental commitment to what IS. It’s a mental commitment to what we think “should” be.
REWARD – PUNISHMENT
With these thoughts of resistance, we unknowingly create a reward-punishment system within ourselves. Traditional theory and examples of reward-punishment are when our behavior is rewarded by getting paid, grades at school, praise, etc. Because of the rewards, we continue the behavior. With punishment, something negative is given to us, such as an extended time-out, more chores, increased fines, and increased criticism. Or something positive is taken away to stop the behavior, such as taking away toys, privileges, approval, etc. The intended effect is to decrease unwanted behavior and increase desired behavior.
What we do to ourselves is a twisted version of the traditional reward-punishment model. We do this by thinking we will get the reward we want from an idealized version of people and events, past, present, and future. Instead, we continuously get punishment in the form of negative and distressing emotions because we cannot get and won’t get the results and outcomes we want from our thinking and beliefs.
Our emotions are telling us to move away from and change our beliefs that do not reflect the reality of self, others, events, and situations, past, present, and future. We continue to punish ourselves unknowingly when we don’t move away from the beliefs that create our emotional distress. We continue to try to control what we cannot by having unrealistic and inaccurate systems of belief. Please don’t continue to hold onto beliefs that will not get the results or outcomes we want because they are beyond our ability to control. Keeping them is our “Illusion of Control.” We’re continually setting ourselves up for failure or sabotaging ourselves, and we don’t even realize it. That’s the power of a belief. Beliefs create meaning, and meaning creates emotion. The good news is we can choose whether our emotions will be negative or positive by focusing on what we can control within what IS.
THE CYCLE
Our judgments are a measurement of the quality of something. When we use “should” or “I wish” in the context of judging ourselves, something, or someone in the past, present, or future, the expectations of results and outcomes are fixed in our minds. This creates a cycle of negative looping thoughts that feel impossible to get out of because of “what-ifs” or waiting for results and outcomes that will not happen. Our focus is primarily on the things we cannot control, many of which are happening simultaneously. Too many things are coming in at once, or too few(resources), and too many things we need to do at once; this is the feeling of being overwhelmed. We have the belief that all these things shouldn’t be happening at once, and we think we have to do them all at the same time; the reality is we do not. Because we keep creating more “what-ifs,” we intensify our feeling of being overwhelmed. Our focus is primarily on the things we cannot control. Since we can’t resolve what we can’t control, the cycle continues, and we don’t get the closure we want. As such, we will continue to get emotionally triggered by things similar to the source of our distress.
Triggers
These emotional triggers may differ from the original source because our ego self works in themes. Our ego self creates negative associations. Someone had a traumatic experience, and it was raining at the time. They associate rain with the experience, so now the theme becomes that something bad will happen when it rains. The thing that triggers us in the present only has to be like the original source from the past. We will continue to be triggered until we change our belief about the source. “I agree to the reality that rain/weather just IS, and nothing about rain or weather can be controlled.” Change the wording to fit current triggers.
Overwhelm
Feeling overwhelmed can be cyclical. A tool to effectively deal with feeling overwhelmed is a pattern interrupt. A pattern interrupt begins with asking ourselves questions, such as, “Why do I feel this way?” “Who wrote the ‘perfect’ checklist I’m holding myself to?” “Who decided it was perfect?” Pattern interrupt disrupts anxious thought patterns, freeing the mind to act instead of react. It disrupts through questions that pull us to the present, which grounds us. When we’re grounded, we don’t react; we act.
Guilt, Shame, Regret
Regret, constructed from guilt and shame, continues to cycle because we wish it were different; we wish the past were different. This is why regret recycles within us. Our imagined stories of what we wish would’ve happened keep it cycling in our thoughts – the WAS is contaminating our IS. Reading this, think through experiences from the past. We haven’t settled these past experiences if negative emotions are still connected to any past memories. The negative emotion tells us that we still believe we wish it was different, shouldn’t have happened, etc.
Our stories of regret become associated with seemingly random things that occur in the present, things others say or do. These associations become attached to the past, and they trigger us. All we have to do to take apart this complex system is change the meaning of our guilt, shame, and regret to an example or non-example. “I agree to the reality it WAS, it no longer IS, and it doesn’t work for me.” That past no longer represents our present or our future. This stops the cycle. Guilt, shame, and regret that create hopelessness do not produce a path for change or empower our ability to evolve.
Protective Solutions
Protective solutions and coping strategies attempt to address our symptoms but do not address the source of the problem. An example is dependence or addiction to anything used to numb and avoid emotions. Many times, our protective solutions and coping strategies amplify our problems. Why? Because many of these protective solutions and coping strategies are created out of fear. For many, these fear-based solutions and strategies make us feel we are down in a hole that we may never get out of and then inaccurately blame ourselves and tie all that we have done and not done to our self-worth.
Real Solutions
The source of the problem is not the hole we think we have dug ourselves into but rather an Illusion of Control constructed by the four global beliefs. The common denominator within the Illusion of Control is our inaccurate beliefs about ourselves, others, and things, and continued thoughts, words, and actions trying to get results and outcomes we cannot.
True Control is the solution to this distressing human condition. When we utilize True Control, agreeing to reality, which grounds us within reality, we don’t waste time and emotional energy wishing anyone or anything were other than what it IS. This includes ourselves. “But what if I want to change me?” It’s critical we first agree to the reality of ourselves as we currently are. Then, change what’s in our power to change within ourselves. It’s a process, so don’t expect to change all at once. Begin viewing ourselves the same way we want others to view and treat us – unconditionally, without judgment. Then, commit to the process that works for us.
THE CAUSE
The first step in controlling our emotions is recognizing the four global beliefs that create the Illusion of Control. They are global because these beliefs begin in all humans at a young age. Observe a two-year-old, and we will see these beliefs in full display. To outgrow our ego self, first understand it, then resolve the separation within us that it creates through the regular use of this formula. Unresolved, these beliefs energized by negative emotions can lead to guilt, shame, regret, anger, hate, resentment, chronic anxiety, and chronic depression.
1. Things should happen the way I think they should (Things should’ve happened the way I think they should’ve)
Our worldview is based on our experiences, beliefs, and values. This perception includes what we think about ourselves and what we’ve tied to our self-worth, such as productivity, accomplishments, grades, etc. We tend to think first, “That’s not how it should be, or how it should’ve happened,” because it is easier to notice first what doesn’t match our perspective. We see things as we think they should be and struggle when others don’t see the same. We have decided that this matters and demand it be different. What we rarely consider in this is what is out of our control. Common examples include “I wish I could read minds,” “I wish I knew the future,” and “I wish I could change the past.” “Things happen to me,” etc. No amount of thinking, wishing, hoping, should’a, would’a, or could’a will change what we can’t control.
2. Things should happen when I think they should (Things should’ve happened when I think they should)
This is about trying to control time and our impatience. We want things to happen on our timeline. Common examples again are “I wish I knew the future” and “I wish I could change the past, and then the past would be different.” “Why isn’t this happening now?” Why does our timing matter more? Every person works and moves on their own time, thinking theirs is how it should be. We lose patience, and this is when we resist the process. We want to skip the process and make the results and outcomes appear like magic. This is how we marginalize the process. The process is what gives us results and outcomes. The process teaches. It provides insight, knowledge, and wisdom.
3. People should think, say, or do what I think they should (People should’ve thought, said, or done what I think they should’ve)
This belief is created around what we think people should think, say, and do based on our experiences, beliefs, and values. If others did what we thought they should, there would be fewer problems. We can also substitute “I” in the place of “People.” Examples include “I should’ve done this instead of that” and “If I would’ve done that, then…” “If I were a better person, my life would be different., etc.” It is important to note that our “shoulds” impose our belief system on others, e.g., “This is what I do, so they should also.” When people don’t act as we think they should, we think in shoulds and wishes like – “I wish they would…They should’ve…They shouldn’t…Why can’t they just…” What we think and say in these moments are from our pre-existing beliefs that “they should behave this way.” Why does it matter how they choose to behave? If it’s a safety issue, that matters. Things within our control matter. What if it’s across town, the state, the country, or the globe, something we see on the news? It matters, but if it’s outside our power to act, apply our direct care to things within our control.
4. People should think, say, or do when I think they should (People should’ve thought, said, or done when I think they should’ve)
People should have the same sense of urgency, discipline, priority, etc., as we do. “Why haven’t they called, texted, posted, messaged, emailed, etc. yet?” Our timeline is optimum. Why does our timing matter more than others’? Again, no amount of believing “I should be able to control what anyone thinks, says, or does” will change the person. Again, include “I” statements here. “If I would’ve done that, then I wouldn’t be such a failure, etc.” In addition to imposing our belief system on others, here we impose our schedule on others. We also put unrealistic timelines on ourselves. Have patience with others, children, and ourselves. We all need our own time to work things out in our heads.
WHEN WE SUSPEND THE GLOBAL BELIEFS
It is important to note that there are many times when we are not using the global beliefs and we agree to the reality of things and others. We suspend global beliefs when there is a safety issue, potential danger, etc. When we have to stand in line for things, in work settings, things moving at a pace we automatically accept. Also, when some people don’t work for us, we must be around them in public, social settings, work, and family, so we situationally suspend global beliefs. When something or someone does not directly conflict with our belief about how things should or shouldn’t be, what is, and what others are, and are not impacting us directly, we also suspend the global beliefs.
An example of suspending global beliefs around the globe is First Responders. First Responders worldwide come on the scene and assess what IS. They don’t judge the person or situation as what should or shouldn’t be. They agree to the reality of the situation, the person, and the conditions. Everything they do is based entirely on the facts of the reality of the situation. They do everything in their control because they know that is all they can do. This is unconditional love in action.
When we are able to suspend our global beliefs, it frees us from the fear that there is something we won’t have, fear that there is something we have that we will lose, and fear that without a certain thing, we won’t be happy.
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND THEIR EFFECTS
The negative emotions we experience when the global beliefs remain intact are because we are not moving to safety, like when we are in physical danger. Moving to safety internally in the case of people, events, and situations is agreeing entirely to the reality of all that we cannot control. This includes no “shoulds” or “I wish this were different” because these thoughts and beliefs create resistance.
ANGER
Experiencing aggressive or hostile thoughts and feelings toward others is common with us all. Acknowledging these emotions is essential, allowing us to be true to ourselves. However, it is critical to learn to accept these moods and not let them control our behavior or dictate our nature. It could be appropriate to act when we experience anger due to a safety issue or potential danger. Acting on our anger with aggression or hostility towards someone else out of retribution will only lead to increased conflicts. Our emotions of anger do not require action. It is our beliefs that do or don’t. Choosing to act out our anger often results in losing self-control. Unrestrained behavior justified by anger rarely, if ever, leads to positive outcomes. Now think of the times we have been angry and ask, “When I’ve been angry, how did it matter? If it did matter, in what way? If it didn’t matter, what can I do differently next time? If I had the whole thing to do over again, what would I do differently?” The emotion of anger only reflects our belief and the meaning it holds about the situation. Moving forward, we can decide what matters and what doesn’t matter. This is a change of belief that will change our emotion of anger.
Justice vs. Punishment
Anger is because someone or something isn’t doing what we think they or it should, our sense of justice, fair play, etc. When someone has caused us pain, we commonly want them to experience the same pain or more. We all have our distinct sense of right and wrong, and when something or someone violates it, we want to enforce our version of justice. In many cases, we are confusing justice with punishment. We know we can’t force anyone, but we spend time thinking about how we might (some illegally), yet it still won’t change the person or thing. We can manipulate certain situations that can interfere with what is happening against our wishes, but this get-back game can easily end with less-than-desirable results. This is much more work than it’s worth. This process becomes less about justice and more about revenge and punishment.
Anger on Repeat
Our anger can also trigger some anxiety because “it might happen again,” so we wish we could know the future, and now we have all these what-ifs coming in from everywhere, like “I wish I could read minds, people should keep their judgments to themselves; things would be different if I would’ve done this in the past,” and on and on. Our anger can include something we want but can’t have, something we already have that we may lose and won’t be happy unless we have a certain thing. The question gets asked, “Well, what are we supposed to do about all these things, not care? Nothing? This is important!”
Let Go of the Fence
The answer is simple – Nothing is what we are doing already. We get nothing when we continuously try to control what we can’t but expect our results and outcomes. Our intense caring is more about what “it should be” rather than what IS. Our emotional distress is telling us to “let go of the fence.” We only punish ourselves when we are mad about something we can’t control, and once we’ve expressed our anger, we commonly find we no longer feel the same way about that thing. Our beliefs and behaviors are effective when we understand what IS, control what we can, and avoid thinking about what we can’t control.
Working the formula, we can now tell ourselves, “I’ve controlled my emotions because I agree to what IS – I don’t have to like what’s going on, but I’m balanced and in alignment, and that feels better.” Alignment is about focusing on all that we CAN control and all that we CAN do. Distressing, negative, and disturbing emotions are all about what we can’t control or do, and they are letting us know to move to safety, away from harmful beliefs. The remedy is living in True Control, focusing exclusively on what IS, what we can control, and then doing that.
ANXIETY AND THE UNKNOWN
We struggle as humans with the unknown. Throughout time, we have explored our world and traveled the unknown, making it known. We can significantly reduce and even eliminate our anxiety in many contexts by making the unknown known. In the absence of information, it’s common for us to create our own narratives to fill in the gap of what we don’t know. Instead of giving the benefit of the doubt and focusing on what iS and what we can control in that moment, we react with “what-ifs.” What-ifs are about what might happen. These what-ifs are about perceived danger, loss, or injustices. What-ifs are hypothetical, imaginary situations that we project into the future. They are fictional narratives and unlikely scenarios in which the outcomes are a guess at best and unlikely at worst. But these guesses fill us with dread, an impending doom because we are focusing on the what-ifs of the future, and what-ifs come from a place of fear of what might happen and not a current safety issue or danger, but our brain is reacting as if it’s happening now.
What-ifs
What-ifs create counterfeit emotions of fear because we construct what-ifs from what might happen. What might happen sounds real in our heads, looks real, and feels real, but it is not really happening at that moment and is not an immediate threat of danger, just like counterfeit money. It looks real and feels real, but it is not real. What-ifs are based on our previous experiences and or the observed experiences of others. We take those past experiences and project them into the future. When we project what might happen, increased thoughts of what-ifs create negative emotions and panic that are amplified by how deeply the belief is held, e.g., “If things continue to change, I won’t be able to handle it at all.” The deeper and more entrenched the belief, the more it feels like a life-or-death situation, and that matches our intense negative emotions when we try to control what we can’t. What-ifs can also lead to avoiding difficult or uncomfortable things. What-ifs freeze our actions. Regardless of whether we can or can’t control the difficult or uncomfortable thing, we get the same negative emotions because we are denying reality by avoiding it. Adapt to the unknown, start changing the belief by repeating the new one, “I agree to the reality of what IS not What-if, so I use caution instead of fear.”
Grounding
If in a state of extreme anxiety or panic, we ground ourselves immediately. Grounding is a simple but highly effective exercise in what we can control, which is why it is so effective. See three things around us, hear three things, feel three things on or around us. Grounding is an efficient way to calm panic or distress because it pulls us back into the present World of Can Control. Grounding IS Can Control, and Can Control IS grounding. Grounding is what IS.
JUDGMENTS OF OTHERS
Another common example is having anxious emotions surrounding the thought of people judging us. So many of us think we can read minds or wish we could, but we know we can’t. When we walk through a store, school, or some public place and believe people are judging us, we will feel that emotion of fear. When was the last time we read minds with 100% accuracy? Never. Many think they can by interpreting non-verbal cues, but none of those displays truly let us read minds. The most we can do is predict based on these non-verbal cues, but at its best, it’s a guess. This is not reading minds. If we could read minds, we wouldn’t need to guess. What if we know them and they do the same thing each time?” This is still a prediction based on their habits and not reading minds, which is an educated guess, and this guess turns into a surety in our minds, confirming our “mind reading.” Because our “guesses” do not align with reality, we get a negative, distressing emotion. Even if we say, “I know I can’t read minds, but I’m pretty sure they were thinking…” Just saying “but” or “yeah, but” sustains our belief in the World of Can’t Control. It is because that “yeah, but” says we are not committed to what IS, so there is room for doubt, and that doubt does not align with reality. By staying uncommitted to reality, negative emotions will follow. A new belief that can be effective is “I agree to the reality that I decide when it matters what others think.”
Misrepresentation
Many struggle when people can’t see, or at least feel, our intentions and who we really are and perceive us as the opposite of what we’re trying to be. It’s especially hurtful when family and friends can’t see us. Worse still, when these loved ones tell others this misrepresentation of us. Why does this hurt? We feel they’re not taking the time or making an effort to know us, that they must not be interested enough, that we don’t matter enough to them, which triggers the deep fear of insufficiency. Also triggered can be an even deeper fear that we are not who we think we are, that what someone thinks about us might be the actual truth. Is there any degree of accuracy in what they are saying? Look at it closely. If there is some accuracy, agree to the reality of it and make the necessary adjustments. It’s completely within our power to change what we want to be different about ourselves. Another person’s words about us do not establish reliable truth. “I agree to the reality that I’m confident in who I am, and that works for me.”
Judgements and Social Media
Our negative and distressing emotions will surface if someone posts a derogatory judgment on social media. We commonly think that if we avoid others’ judgments, we will be safe. Regardless of whether we avoid it, people will still judge and say what they will. This kind of drama will always happen. We are not resolving the issue by avoiding it, only making it worse by amplifying the negative triggers in the future. The way to calm those negative emotions in the present and the future is to change our beliefs. To change the belief, repeatedly say, “I agree to the reality that I can’t control what anyone thinks, says, or does, so I control what I can” or “I agree to the reality that I can’t read minds, so I control what I can.” These new beliefs put us in the World of Can Control instead of repeatedly ruminating about something we can’t control such as others’ opinions and judgments. “So what can I control?” We can control deleting the original post, hiding the comment, limiting who can comment, removing ourselves from that social media, becoming more anonymous, etc.
If there were no judgment, expectation, or resistance, we would rarely have negative emotions. The opinion or judgment of thousands is of no value if they are unfamiliar with the subject, the subject being ourselves. Stop allowing ourselves to become who we mistakenly think we are because of the judgment, opinion, and experience of others.
RESPONSIBILITY
Many feel a sense of responsibility for the emotions and experiences of others, for situations and issues outside our control or influence. This is not the same responsibility as a parent for a child. However, the older the child is, the more this issue could overlap and sound like, “I made them this way; it’s my fault, so I’m responsible for fixing this.” This sense of responsibility frequently comes from thoughts like, “People shouldn’t be hurting like this,” and that we “should” put a stop to their pain and suffering because we may feel partly to blame for their condition. We can feel driven by a need to fix others, which translates to a perceived responsibility and ownership. This ownership easily translates to an Illusion of Control, believing that we can alleviate the pain and suffering of others ignited by reasons such as, “I’m partly to blame,” “They’re my kids, my responsibility,” or “My compassion demands I fix this.” Problems arise when we take ownership over another’s life experience – how much control do we have over another’s life experience? This is where “shoulds” come in. These “shoulds” are results and outcomes that we cannot control or produce because we can’t control the other person.
This responsibility and ownership is created internally by the ego self. It’s an Illusion of Control that harkens back to “it should’ve been.” Conversely, when the result or outcome is happy, we don’t own it; we let it BE. As mentioned earlier, the ego self takes notice of the negative.
Parental Responsibility
As an example, we may feel responsible for our children’s choices at 25 years old because of mistakes we believe we made when parenting them at infancy, or 5, 6, or 7 years old, etc. When our kids are young, we can control much, if not most, of their environment and experiences – what they eat, where they go, etc. but as they grow older, this ability to control decreases, and our sense of ownership becomes our conscious nightmare. As stated above, we believe the mistakes our children make when they are older are directly caused by our parenting mistakes. Guilt, shame, and regret enter, and we believe we must keep trying to pay for these mistakes.
Pay for Mistakes
How do we pay for that? What do we pay? What is the medium of exchange? “A pound of our flesh,” as Shakespeare said? Will this be ample recompense? Who do we pay? And if we really could pay someone something, would it really work? We’re paying to change the past, but that is impossible. The price of changing the past comes at the low, low cost of agreeing to the reality of what WAS. Because there is no way that paying with guilt, shame, and regret will absolve anything, we recycle guilt, shame, and regret without end. Our resolution is agreeing to the reality of what WAS (our parenting then) and what IS (our parenting now and who our children are now). “I agree to the reality that the parent I was no longer represents the parent I am now.”
Again, the reality is that our control is limited to our actions and responses in any given situation. We’ve confused ownership with teaching, instruction, suggestions, recommendations, tips, counsel, and guidance. And above all, patience that allows them to work it out for themselves safely. When our kids are younger, supervision and overseeing are standard procedures for their safety.
Responsibility for Others
This feeling of ownership can also come from beliefs such as, “I caused this; it is my job to make it right.” “If I own something, I can control it, and I can fix what is ‘wrong’ and make the things “right.'” “I didn’t know they were hurting (but I should have).” “I wasn’t equipped to deal with that kind of pain (but I should have done something).” Replace these beliefs that fix nothing, change nothing, and DO nothing but cause us pain in a never-ending cycle with, “I agree to the reality that I may, or have, intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone, so I take the negative of guilt and shame and convert it to the positive of change.” (Adjust the wording of this to fit individual situations)
Reality of Ownership
Beliefs of ownership of others’ problems bring an illusory sense of order to the chaos; “The world feels less scary and unpredictable if I can control and fix it.” But then, “If I can’t fix it, something is wrong with me.” My guilt doubles, “I feel guilty because I caused it, and I feel guilty because I can’t undo it.” Once again, we are confusing ownership with the reality of providing help and support and what is in our power to act.
We can’t live others’ lives: family, friends, or otherwise. We can’t make their choices for them. We can’t control or own others’ reactions to our actions or inaction. We can influence, we can guide, we can relate our experiences, we can provide wisdom, we can sit and listen. We can provide unconditional love through non-judgment of self and others.
Responsibility and Loss
What if who we feel responsible for has died? How do we close the chasm of responsibility, ownership, guilt, shame, and regret we feel within us? Why do we feel this way? The person was lost before we could make amends. This can become a burden that feels immense and unresolvable. Because of the immensity of the burden, we feel it demands us to do something. Our minds fill with “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.” We can’t get results and outcomes from the past. We can spin these beliefs around for the rest of our lives and never achieve a resolution. Too many things are outside our control to make sense of this burden. It’s just not up to us. What we can do is build a bridge out of agreeing to the reality of what WAS and what we can control and changing the nature of the relationship. Honor the reality of those lost by allowing the experience to enlighten us and to evolve. (Refer to new belief number 8)
Responsibility from Empathy
Some can be tuned directly to another’s emotions so thoroughly that they can feel what the other feels emotionally, physically, and intuitively. Because of this sensitivity, we can quickly feel responsible for solving people’s problems, removing their negative emotions, making their load lighter, and stopping their pain. We begin to internalize others’ pain and suffering, and that internalization feels like we can own their issues. With all this, we become overburdened to solve things for them. This, of course, requires a result and outcome. This sense of responsibility and ownership makes us feel overwhelmed, fatigued, and burnt out. It’s as if we’re rescue-carrying others on our backs much of the time. Instead, use our powers of empathy to understand. Understanding empowers us to sit with and listen without owning.
Capability of Responsibility
We struggle to understand the difference between feeling a responsibility to resolve or simply helping. We may think, “If I don’t do it, who will?” When that belief was formed, we didn’t have the emotional maturity, capacity, or ability to handle that level of responsibility. This burden of responsibility can feel guilt-driven and come from a place of personal pain. It can feel compulsive and obligatory with accompanying negative emotions. It can be conditional with an extreme desire for results and outcomes at the expense of our needs, including our need for support from others. We dismiss or suppress our own needs when navigating approval or disapproval from others.
When our default is to put others ahead of ourselves, it is not virtuous; it is a problem. We will continually be last, rarely making ourselves the priority. It wouldn’t work for us at all if everyone we knew put us last, so don’t treat ourselves differently than we want others to treat us. This is why we’re always out of gas. We are filling up everyone else’s tank but not our own. Be responsible for our self-care and attention; we do own that.
Responsibility vs. Helping and Supporting
“So what are you saying? Quit helping people?” Not in the slightest. But making ourselves responsible is not helping and supporting; it’s owning their issues. Making ourselves responsible for “fixing” others and solving their problems depletes our energy because we get in the habit of doing for others without first establishing what they can do for themselves. We can get caught up trying to restore peace from what can feel like chaos. Many of us feel we are peacemakers, but why don’t we feel peace when we try to keep the peace? We don’t feel peace because our primary impulse in these situations is avoiding pain or conflict. True peacemakers are peace, and that peace projects outward to others. Our peace projected is calming to self and others because it is the directional harmony of unconditional love.
Helping and supporting is voluntary and free-flowing; it is not results and outcomes-driven but completely unconditional. Helping and supporting is unconfined and comes from a place of understanding and peace, a place of unconditional love that does what it can and understands what it cannot. It expects nothing and, at the same time, provides only what we can. Give others the help they ask for or are ready to receive, rather than what we want to give or think they need, i.e., are we providing care, or are we becoming the crutch? If we walked for toddlers, they’d never learn to walk. Involve ourselves to the degree we can help, support, and comfort.
Detaching
What if they ask for more than we have the capacity (mentally and emotionally) or ability (our skill set) to do? Ask ourselves, “What can I do, and what can they do for themselves, and I just support them?” They have to choose to help themselves. We have to measure our capacity and ability to help in relation to their level of commitment to help themselves. Are we investing for, or in the place of them, in a way they are not ready to commit to for themselves? What is within our actual ability to help? Do they need professional help? (911/First Responder, Doctor, Therapist, etc.)
“How do I detach when I realize I cannot resolve it, or it is not my place to resolve the issue for them?” Have a script for exiting, such as, “This is out of my ability to help; I do not have the skills or training required.” Time boundaries can also be part of our script using statements like, “I only have this amount of time…”
Sensing
So many times, we want to cure people, and the best we can do is offer a bandaid. “How am I okay with that? I don’t want to be just a bandaid.” For our self-care, we need to detach from this sense of responsibility and ownership and not feel guilty. We simply aren’t responsible and don’t want or need to internalize other’s pain. We don’t have to immerse ourselves in the other person’s emotional turmoil and pain, like checking the temperature of a pot of water on the stove by pouring it over our heads. Instead, we can observe it and sense it.
Responsibility And Ownership
The problem is that we feel responsible for things entirely outside our control. We must end this sense of responsibility to resolve and fix others’ issues – to take on other people’s problems, issues, and burdens and carry them for an undetermined amount of time. Even if we resolve a specific issue, this responsibility has no end. It spreads from one person or issue to another.
This responsibility can consume us. When does our ownership end, and when does the person take responsibility for their own experience? Our responsibility ends when we agree to the reality of what IS and what we can control. Stop believing that others’ change comes from our change – stop believing that if we change, they will. People must choose for themselves how they want to be and how and if they want to change, and we must stop trying to do it for them.
Choose instead to move to a more balanced approach. Move from a sense of responsibility and ownership to support and help mode. How do we do this? Identify our “should.” It may sound like, “I should be able to alleviate their pain. I should be able to solve this for them.” The reality is, many times, we cannot. Many times, the best good we can do for others is show up for them, sit with them, and listen. Repeat the belief, “I agree to the reality that help and support is all I can do.”
DEPRESSION
Depression is a normal response to adverse conditions. Unchallenged, catastrophizing thoughts have dominated our minds, leading to hopelessness. We feel worthless and exhausted – a deep, paralyzing emptiness, an alive-deadness, an oppressive blackness. Our beliefs about ourselves during these times are a collective theme: “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve. I’m weak. I’m incapable. I’m a failure. I’m stupid. I am not just not enough; I am nothing.” These beliefs are coming from our ego-self. If the ego-self thought process, or metric of measurement, were illustrated in an equation, it would be 1+1 = -2. When the ego-self “adds” others to our life equation, we always come up short, always less than. We accept this and believe the whole of us is less than the sum of our parts. This becomes our own personal hell. How do we get out of this hell? We stop thinking we deserve it and start saving ourselves from not realizing who we truly are.
Malaise
Some of us may have more experience with feelings of malaise than depression. Malaise can have the symptoms of pervasive lethargy, physically and mentally, feeling ill at ease, and dullness. Malaise can sound like, “I cannot do what I WANT to do, I cannot be what I want to be, so I’ll just endure.” It can feel like we are enduring life rather than experiencing life. Malaise can feel like we are immobilized, “treading water.” Malaise can feel like a general withdrawal from life, a sense of futility, and a denial of the presence of the moment. A rejection of experience. Not feeling much of anything, a feeling of numbness. Why? Because many of us are tired of feeling negative with little bits of positive, only to have the positive taken away and then flip back to negative. Many in this state would rather avoid emotions as a general rule. Malaise can feel like we are in limbo. Numbness is a limbo because we would rather not feel, avoiding the positive and negative altogether.
There is a sliding scale with malaise; it can start with discontent or even a general sense of boredom, but the longer we stay, the more we can slide toward complete numbness. Solution? Go out and experience life as it IS, not what it should or shouldn’t be, without the fear of pain, losing happiness, or not having it. How would we know happiness, joy, and inner peace without pain? Pain can give definition and dimension to the breadth of joy. New beliefs we can install are “I agree to the reality I CAN be and do what I want to be and do.” “I agree to the reality that life can be experienced, not just endured.” Though we may not feel like doing anything, go out and be with people. Look for beauty – smell a flower, notice the color of the sky, ground ourselves. Get our body moving and keep repeating the new beliefs.
Our negative emotions tell us these beliefs about ourselves are inaccurate. We are not the negative thoughts we think we are. We are not broken. We don’t deserve to feel this way about ourselves. Our negative emotions tell us that our belief that we are not enough, or worse, nothing, does not align with reality. The reality is that we have always been enough.
Start saying this, over and over, “I agree to the reality of who I truly am and who I choose to become.” Feeling resistance at first is normal because we are going against long-held negative beliefs about ourselves. We can get up, do what we can control, and do things for ourselves because we deserve it. Our emotions related to depression fade, and we begin feeling better. To stay this way and increase our positive feelings, create self-care habits, and stay in the world of what IS, the World of Can Control.
GRIEF
Grief is another way negative emotions come to be. Our grief happens because we are in a state of loss about something or someone important to us. Examples of loss can include changes in jobs, home and hometown, moving, money, relationships, death, change itself, and many more. These losses become intangible to us, meaning someone or something was in our world as tangible, and now it isn’t, and then it transforms into a memory. This change from tangible to intangible is incredibly distressing to us. However, we can re-experience the tangibility of our losses through our senses. We can re-experience things we lose through music, smells, pictures, objects that symbolize, and places we visit or pay homage to. We can repeat funny sayings, and we can use unique mannerisms. These are some of the things we use to make the intangible, a memory, tangible again.
Avoidance
For some of us, the loss and the emotion of grief are too much, so we try to avoid it at all costs. We ignore it by trying to move on, only to be reminded of it when we least expect it. Some of us deny the loss in our lives by not speaking of it, suppressing and tucking away any remembrances of the loss. This avoidance and denial will only amplify our emotions of grief.
Grief Frozen
Things we grieve about are varied, but a common belief that all sources of loss share, is the belief that our lives would be better if this loss didn’t happen. Keeping our losses within the Illusion of Control, “This shouldn’t have happened,” can keep the pain frozen in time within us. We also become frozen and feel we can’t move past the loss. “I can’t just let it go.” We think if we let something go, we betray the memory of the person or thing. We only betray ourselves because we stay stuck in the thoughts of “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve,” or anything different than what WAS and what IS. We can’t get past it because we think it shouldn’t have happened and that “shouldn’t” or wish that it was different from what WAS arrests our development. We struggle to let go of unresolved results and outcomes because the actual results and outcomes are ones we don’t want. We also struggle with just the memory of the loss and try to deny, erase, or avoid any of those thoughts, only to be reminded by something outside of us that symbolizes that loss.
Change the Nature of the Relationship
As stated earlier, we cannot resolve what we can’t control, so start controlling the loss by changing the nature of the relationship with the loss. Changing the nature of the relationship begins with us agreeing to the reality of the loss, what IS. Changing the nature of the relationship allows us to transition to the intangible. If it is a person, continue talking to them as if they were there. Utilize pictures, clothes, and things that were important to them. Share stories, do things they did, and go places they loved. It can be similar with a cherished pet. Why? Because these amazing animals showed us unconditional love every moment of their lives.
If it’s a place, thing, relationship, or belief system, agree to the reality of the loss and focus only on the IS-ness and what we can control. Doing these things and more puts us in the World of Can Control, which can allow us to feel more peace. We can still feel a sense of sadness at our losses, but agreeing to the reality of these losses without “yeah but, wishin’, ifn’ and should’a, would’a, could’a,” keeps our emotions of grief, sadness, and loss more within our control.
HAPPY
On the positive side, think of times of happiness, calmness, contentment, or peace. Whatever happened in those times aligned with what we believed about it. We were not trying to control something we can’t. We agreed to the reality of what IS happening outside of us without judgment or wanting it to be different. We think this is because things are as they “should” be, but it’s because experience, belief, and meaning are effortlessly aligning.
Happiness Aligns
Inner peace, joyfulness, happiness, or contentment are natural when our belief about how something should be, aligns with what IS, and we are in True Control. Nothing about this state of happiness needs to be different; in fact, we don’t want it to end because it’s pure — pure alignment.
If the beach or mountains are a place of joy, we agree to the reality of its splendor and agree with it as it is, which is confirmed by the emotion of happiness, inner peace, or joy. When we are doing things that cause us to feel the emotion of happiness, contentment, alive in being, and alive in purpose, it is because we agree with that reality – hence the feeling. Our emotions of happiness, inner peace, or joy are telling us that we are aligned with the IS-ness of reality and living in the World of Can Control.
Happy More Often
Why can’t we feel happy more of the time? Again, our beliefs about what “should be” conflict with what IS. If we approach any “shoulds” that are out of our control with the intent to resolve them, we can’t because we have no power to act. We feel the absence of power in the form of negative emotions. Quickly realign efforts to what is within our power to act and feel the energy give strength and motivation within us. The true source of our happiness is internal. External things can enhance and amplify our happiness and joy when our beliefs align with reality.
The answer is right in front of us. To be happy more often, align our internal beliefs (I’ve always been enough and always will be) with the external reality of what IS. This, of course, requires changing old beliefs. If we can’t change the external, change the internal. Effective questions can help guide understanding happiness – “What does happiness mean to me? How do I know when I’m happy? How do I know I’m not happy?” Start treating ourselves the way we want others to treat us, and the answers to these questions will become clearer.
Highest Thought
To stay on track with who we think we are, go to our highest thought about ourselves and create the image in our minds of what we would think, say, and do. Who would we be if we lived that highest thought every day? How would we respond to others? How would we respond to ourselves? What difference do we see between the highest thought of ourselves vs. what we fear about ourselves right now? Our highest thought is who we are. That is where we’re going. Move toward it, move into it, and the difference disappears. No family or friend can take us off the track of who we’re trying to be. It won’t matter if they see or don’t see because in believing our highest thought about ourselves, we break the attachment to our acceptance from others and the world. “I agree to the reality that others will see me differently than I see myself, and that works for me because it just IS.”
THE FORMULA
So, what do we do when we feel negative emotions?
1. Ground ourselves. Grounding is effective because it is something we can control by using our primary senses to identify what IS present in the present. Grounding pulls us to the present moment to calm down so we can think clearly. Being present deactivates the ego self/inner critic. Use the Breath of Life app with its music to begin grounding. See three things, hear three things, feel three things on or outside of us, and smell three things (if possible). Grounding is an elemental process because we are taking control over a part of our sensory system that runs automatically much of the time. We’re pulling automatic processes into conscious control.
2. Recognize the negative, distressing emotion. Notice what IS happening at the moment – events, situations, thoughts about those things, the future, the past, what a person is doing or not doing, negative thoughts about ourselves. Is there a WAS contaminating our IS? Something from the past we continue to make present? What IS happening that is causing these negative emotions? What is the current trigger from the past?
3. Once we identify the source of our negative emotions, we next ask ourselves, ” What should be happening but isn’t?” “What shouldn’t have happened but did?” “What should they do but aren’t?” “What shouldn’t they have done, but did?” “What did I do that I shouldn’t have?” “What didn’t I do that I should have?” “What should I have known but didn’t?” “What should I have noticed but didn’t?” “What shouldn’t I have said but did?”
4. Make a mental list of what we think SHOULD happen. Examine this list and ask, “Why does any of this matter?” “How does it matter enough to be a ‘should?'” “What are my reasons for wanting to control this so much?” Then, ask, “What is the IS-ness, or WAS-ness, of the issue?” “What results and outcomes that I want can I produce? Which of these ‘Shoulds’ and ‘I Wish’ can I control? Which of these things are in my power to act?” If there are results and outcomes within our power to act, do that. If the answer is some or none, then repeatedly say, “I agree to the reality of what IS, so I control what I can.” This new belief grounds us and effectively shifts us consciously to what we can control. As we say this continually in our head, notice the shift in emotions. If we don’t feel a shift and the negative emotions are prominent while repeating the new belief, there is still resistance within us. We’re saying it, but we still wish it was different. Step into reality with complete commitment. Anything to the contrary of what WAS or IS, is an illusion. If we keep repeating the new belief without resistance, thoughts of what we can’t control will quickly fade because reality is more powerful than our “should” or “wish” version. Our emotions will move to a more calm and peaceful state because we’ve aligned our beliefs with reality. In many cases, agreeing to the reality of someone or something is all we can do, and there is peace and healing in aligning with reality.
5. Now that we have moved into the reality of what IS, start thinking about what we CAN DO: our responses, actions, reactions, what we say or don’t say, non-verbals, etc. New ideas, options, and solutions will present themselves. Notice there is less interference from the old habit of Can’t Control, which allows us to think of various options for what we CAN do. What we can do is change the script in our head. Start with, “I agree to the reality of what IS,” then add new beliefs from the list below to keep progressing as our Authentic Self.
6. Apply new beliefs that will replace the old – We do this through new thoughts, words, and actions. If we want different, we must DO different. We can use the new beliefs or adjust those listed below to our specific situation, but keep “I agree to the reality of…” Say the new belief in our heads repeatedly while using the Breath of Life app (with the music) with earpods/headphones. Do this daily until the new belief becomes natural to us. Our positive emotions will let us know. Resistance is normal when we first start saying our new beliefs. Our current belief is old and deeply held, yet our brains are trainable. We’ve successfully trained it to believe what isn’t, and now we’re retraining it to believe what IS – its original design.
As we continue stating our new beliefs, the resistance will fade. More than a few repetitions of the new belief are needed to replace years of old beliefs, so repeat new beliefs daily.
Anytime a “should” that we can’t control or is inaccurate creeps into our thoughts, stop the thought with multiple repetitions of the new belief. Notice how our emotions shift to positive. If we only say new beliefs until we’re good, we’ll be good till we’re not. Repeat these until we’re good, no matter what.
7. As we progress daily, challenge every thought that might produce a “should” and ask ourselves, “What is the IS-ness? Is there a WAS contaminating the IS? What about this can I control?” Even in moments where we don’t feel in control, we are still in control by doing what we CAN control. At first, it may not be easy, but shifting the Can’t Control habit to Can Control is essential for our long-term happiness and inner peace.
8. Begin looking at past, present, and future experiences as IS – “This IS what we experienced,” “This IS what’s happening now,” and “This IS what we are going to do in the future.” These experiences either work or don’t work for us. If they work for us, then turn them into an example of what to do presently and in the future. If they don’t work for us, turn them into a non-example of what not to do in the present and future. We are changing the meaning of our experiences to what works, what doesn’t, non-example or example.
Why agree to the reality? Because agreeing to the reality of who we are, what someone or something IS, is fundamental to its nature, its IS-ness. It grounds us to reality, which is elemental. It IS that. There is nothing else it can be than what it IS, what it WAS, or what it WILL BE (until it isn’t. And when it isn’t, we’ll agree to that reality). “Agreeing to the reality” is primary, basic, factual, a force of nature. We all live in reality, but we may not be connected TO reality. We all live in reality, but we are not all living reality.
Agree to Their IS-ness
We can keep thinking about what ourselves, others, and things should be, but that will never make it different than what it IS or what WAS. Agreeing to the reality of ourselves, what something WAS, IS, or WILL BE, is our first step in changing the meaning of things. We can change the meaning of many things when we see ourselves, people, and things as they are before deciding what works for us or doesn’t. Even when someone or something doesn’t work for us, we can still agree with their reality – “That’s who they ARE; that’s what it IS.” Agreeing to the reality of someone or something does not mean we agree with their thought process, beliefs, behavior, or how it works for them. We are simply agreeing to their reality, their IS-ness; we are not agreeing with them. This is why some have difficulty accepting someone they disagree with. For some, accepting them also means agreeing with their beliefs and behaviors, which can be challenging, if not impossible, to reconcile.
Agree To, Not With
When we agree to the reality of someone we emphatically disagree with, we only agree to their reality, not their ideology. We may find their ideology and behavior unacceptable, but we can agree to the reality that IS them, that IS who they are, and that IS what they think and do, and it does not work for us. We disagree with their version of reality but agree to the reality that it IS that. Once we agree to the reality of someone we disagree with, we can decide how to respond, what is within our power to act, to what doesn’t work for us. It’s much easier for us to change what we do than change what they do.
Commit To Reality
“Why agree to the reality? Isn’t acceptance enough?” Yes, if that is what works for us. Acceptance can mean coming to the realization of something. Acceptance can also mean something bearable, allowable, or tolerable. In contrast, agreeing to the reality is approving entirely to the reality of someone or something. There is no gap between agreeing to the reality and the person or thing. Acceptance can get us there, but when we “agree to the reality,” we have always been enough; we are saying a resounding “Yes, it’s real!” to the belief. Acceptance is good; Agreeing is fundamental; it says, “I am committed.” When we agree to the reality, we shift a deeper degree of our resistance. We agree and commit to the IS-ness of ourselves, someone, or something.
Try this: Say this in our heads a few times: “I accept the reality that I’ve always been enough.” Now, say this a few times in our heads: “I agree to the reality that I’ve always been enough.”
Emotions will still come, as that is our experience as human beings. All of our lives are full of maddening, unpredictable, traumatic, and heartbreaking events. There are also times of joy, presence, happiness, and peace. The difference between those states is the belief about them, which creates the meaning we give them. We can allow our uncontrolled thoughts of the Illusion of Control to create our moments or our creative consciousness to create our moments. Our creative consciousness is when we come up with all the ways we can utilize True Control within our experiences in life.
Understanding Our Beliefs
If we understood all of our beliefs so that none were hidden, then changed the ones not working for us to what does work for us, we wouldn’t re-experience our fears. Too many struggle with this idea because they would see the beliefs that don’t work as evidence of failure, being less than so avoidance of this process follows. Following this formula’s process liberates us from those inaccurate measurements. This process is NOT a measurement of failure but rather an accurate measurement of how far away we are from failure. Using this formula regularly gives us more creative control by adjusting ourselves to reality instead of wishing reality adjusts to us.
PLACEBO – NOCEBO CONNECTION TO BELIEFS
The concept of the placebo effect has been around for centuries. In the late 1700s, “placebo” became part of medical jargon. It is the idea that a pseudo-treatment can convince the brain that it is the real treatment, turning on the body’s natural mechanisms for healing. Recent scientific studies have found that, in certain circumstances, traditional medical treatments and a placebo can have similar, if not the same, effectiveness. This is why many drugs are approved for general use AFTER they’ve been proven to be more effective than a placebo. The medications have to trick the brain. However, many drugs don’t provide more relief than a placebo treatment. Through placebo, our brains create many chemicals that lessen pain, stress, anxiety, and negative emotions.
Symptoms and Belief
The placebo and nocebo effects illustrate the incredible power of belief. Both effects describe experiencing positive (placebo – e.g., improvement of symptoms) or negative (nocebo – e.g., worsening of symptoms) outcomes that occur because a person was expecting to experience them. The nocebo effect increases negative symptoms, and our body responds in kind to the negative expectation. With the placebo effect, an increase in positive symptoms is experienced due to our expectations or belief that medications or actions of self-care will aid healing. The body responds in kind to the positive expectation as the body will follow the mind.
The Thing in Common
It’s not the medication or action; it’s the belief about it. The common denominator in both is belief. If we have beliefs that we can, we will. If we have beliefs that we can’t, we won’t. What comes before the pill, which was already in us before the illness, was the belief of can or belief of cannot, the way we perceive our world. Do we see our world as positive with some negative, or do we see it as negative with only some positive? The good news is all this can be different; it isn’t written in stone. We do not have to be held hostage by our negative beliefs, thinking we can’t change them. New experiences change our beliefs all the time. With new experiences, we can suspend judgments so we aren’t keeping the score of the experience with negative judgments. New experiences can be with food, people, music, jobs, destinations, etc. Our change in belief changes our perception, mental health, physical health, and entire outlook, and now we’re healthy to create our future however we wish. Why? Because we CAN, and then we DO.
LIST OF NEW BELIEFS
(1.) I agree to the reality of me, all of me, and that I’ve always been enough and always will be enough, so I Am that.
Imagine what our life would be like if we all believed this starting right now. If we all believed we are always enough no matter what? No matter when on our timeline? Who do we want to BE in relationship to the belief that we are not enough? How about BEing tired of the old beliefs and move into our Authentic Self?
Some who read this may find an overflow of mixed emotions. Some may experience a sense of relief that they have a path to their Authentic Self. Some may feel this and more. This experience from reading this new belief for the first time is typical. Some may feel some physical symptoms of tightness and emotions of anxiety. Again, this experience is normal because for so long, we have heard and listened to the flawed measurement about ourselves from the inner critic/ego self since we were very young. What we think are flaws about ourselves are just fear-based beliefs from inaccurate measurements.
When our critical thoughts about ourselves move from simply trying to adjust our behavior to improve, to punishing words in our self-talk, this is our sign to move away from these thoughts and beliefs. “I don’t like me,” “I’m a failure,” “I don’t matter,” “I’m not as good as others,” “If I’m not productive, then I’m lazy,” “I’m weak.” When we hear these punishing beliefs from our ego self within, notice the emotions. Not very positive, right? Commit ourselves to this new belief repeatedly. Notice the shift in emotion the more we say it and as it takes hold. Our positive emotional reaction to saying this confirms this is alignment.
This new belief is the reality of us, no matter what we think we’ve done in our life that we regret or who we think we are. Continue saying it daily and Be our Authentic Self permanently. Fear melts away when we know that we are enough no matter what, no matter when. Repeat this new, accurate belief over and over.
“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” — Eckhart Tolle
(2.) I agree to the reality of my past, and because of understanding it, I can create a different future – (this changes guilt, shame, and regret into a non-example. Non-example is “Now I know, so I do differently in the future)
What if we took all judgment out of every event in our past and saw it for just the facts? This happened, then this happened, then this…? So much of the problem with the past is we paint it with various judgments, such as “shoulds” and “I wish.” Again, these judgments include results and outcomes we can’t get, which amplifies our dissatisfaction and regret.
Regret is made up of guilt (feeling bad about what we’ve done) and shame (feeling bad about who we are because of what we’ve done). Regrets become judgments we measure our value with, creating problems with our self-worth. When we ruminate over our regrets, our self-worth lowers because we can’t change the results and outcomes (I regret me). Guilt, shame, and regret are not virtues, and they are not substitutes for higher thought. Higher thought is treating ourselves how we want others to treat us and then projecting the same to others. Higher thought is agreeing to what WAS and what IS. Higher thought is our path for choosing to be our Authentic Self. Higher thought says, “Our past guilt, shame, and regret no longer represent who we currently choose to be.” We choose the highest good for us and others.
Many things in our past we regret. Agreeing to the reality, the WAS-ness of our past and creating a different future changes the meaning of guilt, shame, and regret to a non-example. The following question is powerful for everyone, including those who have been or are currently incarcerated. Does what we did in the past represent who we are now? For many, most likely not, so now our past can be a non-example. This is understanding and making factual sense of what WAS was. Just as an example is a good idea of what to do, a non-example is a good idea of what not to do. Non-examples have nothing to do with measuring our worth, and therein lies its power. Examples work, and non-examples don’t work. They are helpful to us in the past, present, and future.
For many, waking from sleep with some level of anxiety is common. We don’t know where this is coming from since nothing has happened; we just woke up with these emotions. The problem is the negative beliefs about ourselves from inaccurate measurements from our past. We wake up thinking, “I have to do this all over again. I have to be me again. I don’t want to be me; I want to be someone else. I want a different life. It’s so hard to be someone else.” When we think this way, we confine ourselves. But our confinement has no door, lock, or key. Walk through the opening that has always been there and into the light and say, “I’m done; I don’t want to think this way anymore; I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
We are already our Authentic Selves; we just deny it. Again, we have negative beliefs about ourselves because of what we’ve done; we think and define who we are from these experiences, which we believe are written in stone. It’s who we were. It’s not who we ARE. Say, “Okay, I’m done with who I thought I was. I choose to be who I am.” Now, walk through the door that was never there.
Once we break free from the confinement we put ourselves in from our past, look at it objectively, and take from it new tools: new tools of problem-solving and non-examples, we gain new abilities to have compassion for others in the middle of their confinement of self from their past. Within this process, we can offer one of the most essential aspects of unconditional love: understanding. Understanding what WAS does not mean it has to be what IS and what WILL be. We cannot change the past, but we can change the meaning of it.
(3.) I agree to the reality of who I truly am and who I choose to become, so I Be that.
Who we think we are is less than the reality of who we truly are. We are much more than the judgments we believe are proof of who we are. When we repeat this new belief, saying this over and over, think about choosing to become our best self, our Authentic Self. Notice the change of emotions when this new belief is repeated. Resistance at first is normal because many have believed they have never been enough, so it may take some repetition to wear that down. Our negative judgments are not true, and by agreeing to this reality consistently, our positive emotions will confirm the balance. “Who do I choose to become? How do I do that? What if I had less fear? What if I had more courage and confidence?” Act as if we had less fear. Act as if we had more confidence. Act as if we had more courage. We want abundant confidence. “But I’m afraid of looking cocky or arrogant.” Confidence shares and supports strength. Arrogance stifles, suffocates, and steals.
“Acting as if” is a personal improvement strategy grounded in reality. We want more courage, so we’re going to act as if we had more courage as various opportunities present themselves in our everyday. Courage isn’t the absence of fear; courage is acting in spite of fear, “I’m a little bit nervous, but I’m still going through with it.” This is a transferrable skill to any other attribute we want to develop. Want more patience? Act as if – until we do.
“Acting as if” differs from “fake it to make it.” Fake it to make it can be a helpful strategy to get through an unpleasant temporary situation. Doing things we don’t want to do but have to, this is when Fake it to make it works. It helps us “tough it out.” (obligatory meetings, gatherings, events we’d rather not attend, etc.) It serves a short-term need. As soon as it has served its purpose, we stop faking it. Fake it to make it is not for home life (like routine chores) or relationships that we want to connect with more. If we have to fake it to make it through our day, a deeper issue may need to be addressed. We may not be agreeing with the reality of what IS. Fake it to make it is not to be confused with being shallow, superficial, arrogant, etc. Fake it to make it, however, could lead to a quality we would like to be permanent. So we shift from “Fake it to make it” to “Act as if “with the quality we want to be permanent.
(4.) I agree to the reality that I deserve (peace, joy, happiness, contentment)
Many believe we don’t deserve based on our past decisions, choices, perceived mistakes, and failures. Because of what we’ve done in the past, we don’t believe we deserve happiness, joy, inner peace, or anything good in the future because we think we’ll screw that up also. Believing we don’t deserve means we aren’t agreeing to the reality of what WAS. The reality is we do deserve.
Much of our world is about earning jobs, positions, money, etc., which can lead to thinking we have to earn everything, which is inaccurate. Think of all the things anyone and everyone can experience for free. When it comes to happiness, joy, safety, love, friendship, compassion, dignity, and many other amazing things. The reality is we do deserve them, so we create them from within by how we treat ourselves.
(5.) I agree to the reality of the process (of change, life, the life/death cycle, learning, relationships, healing, etc.)
So many of us are attached to results and outcomes. We want the end at the beginning. Results and outcomes happen because of a process. The earth is what it is because of an ongoing process. When we walk, we are in the process of walking. Try to think of any result or outcome in life that didn’t happen because of a process. Forgetting the process and solely focusing on results and outcomes, we become an emotional mix of distress. However, when we focus more on the process, the results and outcomes we want will be the natural side effects. The results and outcomes happen all the time within the process. See them now as checkpoints along the way.
Being in the process just IS. It is like floating in a river going with its current. Floating with the river is the process. Resisting is a weight tied to our waist. Not resisting is how we get positive emotions within the process. Trust more in the process than events, results, or outcomes because the process gets us there. As we become converted to the process, we begin to truly understand that it’s not the destination but the journey that matters.
(6.) I agree to the reality of people (or insert name) and all that I can’t control about them, so I understand them and control what I can
People are going to do what they do. No one has a remote control to others, so controlling what we can is the way to deal effectively with people in general. Use this belief with individuals we struggle with or have struggled with. Understand them as who they are. No more “but if they just,” “they’re great, but if they just,” “Yeah, but…” They are who they are, no matter how hard we wish they were different. Wanting others to be what we want rather than who they are is futile; we can’t control people into being what we want. Agreeing with who they are and not wanting them to be different is where we want to be because it aligns with reality and puts us in a place of true control.
To understand someone or something means we have a complete agreement on what something IS and who someone IS. “That is who they are, and all of their behaviors (thoughts, words, and actions) are encapsulated within that, so nothing they do offends me. It either works for me or doesn’t. I don’t think they should or shouldn’t be who they are because I can’t control that.” The same goes for understanding what something WAS or IS.
(7.) I agree to the reality that my past no longer represents who I currently am and who I choose to create moving forward.
By measuring our past in terms of non-examples rather than the judgments of guilt, shame, and regret, we begin to see how much of who we were no longer represents who we want to be. Many of us want to change, but unfortunately, we think we are who we were, and that judgment is fixed and final. Commonly, what surrounds our stagnation are the protective solutions we put in place earlier in our lives, and those inaccurate solutions are who we think we permanently are.
Protective solutions are things we do or don’t do to protect us from fearful judgments of others, self, and emotional triggers of inadequacies. Examples include distracting oneself to avoid failing, thus avoiding imperfection; gaining weight to make more of oneself; gaining weight to protect oneself from others; isolating to protect oneself; anger/aggressiveness to make us feel safer and keep others at a distance. Sometimes, the fastest way to be our Authentic Selves is to recognize who we no longer are and move away from that.
Start agreeing to the reality we all can change, not because we think we are wrong or broken but because our past is not an accurate expression of who we truly are. Agree to the reality that we are creating who we want to be and constantly projecting our current self to our potential self.
(8.) I agree to the reality of the loss of(insert name or subject), so I understand it and change the nature of the relationship.
We struggle with any loss that changes from tangible to intangible. Tangibles are within our reach, and intangibles are out of our reach. Staying grounded during this vulnerable time is essential. Agreeing with reality is grounding, so this allows us to experience sadness without it crippling us. Changing the nature of the relationship puts us in control of how we remember and honor the loss and how we handle ourselves in the absence.
When we lose what is important to us, we can stay stuck in that time frame. The world keeps moving, but we may find ourselves resisting to move forward. We can also experience anger at others and the world for being callous by moving on. We become unsure of how to move forward after the loss.
Start with being specific with the name or subject of the loss, e.g., loss of job, relationship, name of pet, person, people leaving/moving away, etc. This new belief allows us to go within ourselves and change the nature of our loss regardless of what it is. If we avoid going within, we are going without. We’ll still be sad at our loss, but it won’t intensify with a sadness that “shouldn’t have happened.”
(9.) I agree to the reality that True Love of Self and others is unconditional, so I Love without conditions.
The simplicity of Unconditional Love is in its agreement with the IS-ness of reality, having an unconditional positive regard for someone or something. Our positive regard happens because it has no judgment, no negative critique of what someone should or shouldn’t be. Our judgments are measurements and meanings based on our “shoulds” and “I wish.” From those shoulds and wishes, we want ourselves and others to be what we think they should be, but we know we cannot control what others think, say, or do. “What if I don’t like them?” “What if they’re family, and I struggle being around them for extended periods?” Shift that to “They just don’t work for me.” Now, judgments move out of the way to agree with all of who they are, how they think, and how they act, but that doesn’t mean we have to be around them. We can create boundaries that work for us. Walking away, ignoring, and confronting appropriately are all things we can do.
Using “works for me or doesn’t work for me” changes our language from should or shouldn’t. “Shoulds” create expectations with results tied to them. What “works for me or doesn’t work for me” creates no expectations.
Our “shoulds” and “I wish “create a conditional relationship in which we would like them more or better if “they just did this.” Take out all “shoulds” and “I wish” of self and others. Replace judgments of “shoulds” with what “works for me or doesn’t work for me.” Some people may not work for us due to incompatibility, offenses given or taken, or any other reason. When someone doesn’t work for us, it’s not a judgment or condition; it just IS, and that IS who they are.
“What if sometimes they work for me and sometimes what they do doesn’t work for me?” We can confront them appropriately about it, say nothing, place an appropriate boundary, anticipate the situation, and have plans when what they do “doesn’t work for me.” This is the point of unconditional love. There is no condition we place on others to comply with our judgments, our “shoulds.” When we place conditions on others based on what we think they should do, this means, “If you act the way I think you should, then I will like or approve of you.” The point of unconditional love is to remove our conditions and judgments of others, agree to the reality of them, which is having positive regard, and then choose if they work for us or don’t work for us. Unconditional love starts with agreeing to anyone’s IS-ness, but their IS-ness may not work for us to be around, and that’s okay.
Having conditions creates separation from love and those we intend to love. This includes ourselves. We get to choose who we are around and who we are not. Instead of picking at them to pieces with judgments of “shoulds” or “I wish” we can’t control, start now completely agreeing to the reality of who they are.
“What if I want to change?” Great, do it, but not from the belief that we are not enough. Change to progress. Change to evolve. Change to make the statement of who we are currently and where we are going with self. Everyone is already enough, but the problem is we don’t see it because of our “shoulds” and “I wish.”
Love is who we are as humans. Love is a pure energy that spreads, unlocks, projects, persists, releases, regenerates, and allows. When we feel hurt, scared, or in trouble, we want to be comforted and supported by others and accepted completely as who we are, unjudged, unmeasured, and unconditional, no matter what we have done or not done. Without judgments, just understanding and agreeing to the reality of who we currently are. This is unconditional love. The times in our lives when this is most clear is when we were children. Even if our childhoods were difficult and adverse, we knew that unconditional love was all we wanted. Even though we didn’t know what to call it then. Yet, on an elemental level, we knew what worked for us. So, the answer is to understand what unconditional love is. To love unconditionally means exactly that – no conditions.
Now, reread this as how to love ourselves unconditionally.
(10.) I agree to the reality that I treat myself the way I want others to treat me.
We want others to treat us with respect, no judgments, and accept all of us without condition. We measure our worth based on how we are treated. We can’t control if others treat us this way, but we want it regardless because what we want from others is that lifeline to our worth. Too often, we put our worth in people and things outside of us that we can’t control. This creates conditional love with what others do or don’t do, what things happen or don’t happen. When these conditions out of our control aren’t met, we struggle tremendously. Examples include: “My worth just broke up with me; my worth just left me; my worth just drove down the street; my worth just divorced me; my worth just fired me; my worth is accomplishments, and I don’t have enough of them.”
Our worth is organic within us; an effective way to realize this is to treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us and notice our emotions with that behavior. We don’t need external validation when we treat ourselves with love and respect. We don’t need accomplishments or relationships to establish our worth. All of these things are important, and we can like them endlessly. But putting our worth in things we can’t directly control puts our worth at risk. Our worth becomes fleeting. When our worth is sound, projecting our worth in our work, results and outcomes happen naturally.
The most important relationship we can have is with ourselves. All relationships we hold dear will be enhanced when our worth is grounded from within.
(11.) I agree to the reality that I am valuable regardless of what anyone does or doesn’t do.
We think we are less valuable measured against what someone else is doing or has done with their life (careers, other achievements, possessions, etc.). We think we have to be on the same trajectory/life plan. This is an inaccurate measurement because they are not us; they are them. Where should we be if not where we are? “I should be in a better place by now.” “I should be able to take care of myself.” “I should have a better career.”
What if we knew ourselves as goodness, compassion, and understanding? That we are peace and patience? Confidence and courage, help, comfort, and healing? That we are the truth of love? We have been all these things many times, independent of anyone else. We all are these things, and in many moments in our lives, we have known ourselves as them, and our positive emotions let us know. Agree to this reality to know ourselves as these things every day. Start with this, “I agree to the reality of who I am, what I am, and where I am in life, so I keep progressing.”
(12.) I agree to the reality that mistakes are required for learning, so I accept and adjust.
Many think making mistakes is because we are flawed, weak, incapable, stupid, etc. So, when we make a mistake, this triggers negative beliefs, which triggers negative emotions. Everything we’ve ever done, we once did for the first time. Every expert began as a novice, making mistakes and staying true to the process.
We commonly think we need to be perfect, and these beliefs could not be further from the truth. The problem with perfect is how we measure this. What is the metric for perfection? Who says what is perfect or isn’t? “How do we know when something is perfect?” How do we know the difference between perfect and excellence?
So many of us think mistake-making has a direct causal relationship with worth. We’ve made a mistake with how we think of mistakes. In many cases, we have made mistakes mean failure. A mistake is just part of the process of learning. A mistake is learning, and learning leads to knowledge. Applying that knowledge is wisdom. Experiences without mistakes are wisdom. Wisdom only comes by way of trial and error. Understanding is the connection between knowledge and wisdom. Are they mistakes, or are they experiences? As Einstein said, “Failure is just success in progress.”
Another new belief that can help is “I agree to the reality that mistakes are not failures; they are a process of growth.”
(13.) I agree to the reality that I am perfect because I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.
Some sports teams have gone entire seasons without a loss, and their record is considered perfect. Did they play perfectly in every game? Of course not. They played, made mistakes, made the necessary adjustments, and followed their process to win.
The problem with perfect is the meaning it’s been given. Many of us think it means we have to be flawless as human beings- flawless in the sense of no mistakes and no blemishes, which is unrealistic. Perfect is growing and developing into who we’re supposed to be. Who are we supposed to be? Who we choose to create ourselves to be.
We think we are flawed, damaged, and imperfect; this is an entirely inaccurate measurement due to the ego self and our continued belief in its narrative. We unknowingly project this flawed image onto others, and our perceived flaw increases our separateness due to an “I’m less than” script. It is a state of non-acceptance of self and others, and the non-acceptance creates a separation within us and then from others. No two snowflakes are alike, but it’s all snow when they hit the ground. That difference coming together creates unity. How? Recognizing we are all exactly who we are supposed to be is a complete agreement of our differences, and that agreement to each other’s reality creates unity. Unity is the source of inner strength, which creates true power.
Stop using perfect as a judgment and see it as a state of being within a process. When we see ourselves as perfect, we see ourselves in a state of constant progessional evolution. When we can see perfection in all things, including things that don’t work for us, we see and agree to the state of them.
(14.) I agree to the reality I can’t change what I can’t control, so I change what I can control.
We naturally want closure with events, situations, others, and ourselves. But we can’t have closure on what we can’t control. What power do we have to change what we can’t control? Remember, control equals believing we should get the results we want. Agreeing to the reality of what we can’t control IS our closure, our resolution. This broad belief can cover things we cannot control, like weather, traffic, and time.
The amount of what we can’t control is substantial. However, what we can control is more than what we initially think. We don’t recognize this because we spend more time thinking about what we can’t control and fixating on that. Focusing on what we can’t control is like walking always with our heads down. Our perspective is very limited, and we only see a small picture of what is really going on. Choose to lift our heads and see the whole picture.
When we make what we can control our default, options are everywhere.
(15.) I agree to the reality of change, so I control what I can.
This belief is about all change that is out of our control. Change is constant. Regardless of what we want or believe, change within us and around us happens regularly and naturally. Fighting against change changes nothing. Change allows us to choose again. Change with this mindset allows us to modify and adjust to continue to create ourselves into the state we truly want. Agreeing to the IS-ness of change and controlling what we can allows us to experience new opportunities and expand our learning and understanding. If we could look at our entire timeline, we would see how much change we have gone through and naturally accepted. We would also see our growth and progress.
(16.) I agree to the reality that things happen, so I understand them and then control what I can.
Many believe that things happen because things always happen to us, we deserve it, something is out to get us, or the universe is against us. “I’m sick of these stupid things happening to me! And somebody better do something about it soon!” We aggravate it emotionally when we believe it shouldn’t have happened. As long as we continue to think someone or something is out there doing things to us, we take away our own power to choose. It’s much easier to choose what we do in response to what happens than to control what is actually happening. The reality is that things just happen. There is no supernatural force conspiring against us. When things happen, controlling what we can is the only solution.
(17.) I agree to the reality of the Here and Now, so I can just Be.
Too many of us are in the past or future in our heads. The past and the future are just thoughts. They have already happened or have not happened yet, so they are not real like the present moment. Yes, things in the future will come to be, but until they do, it’s just a thought. But we can make realistic plans of what we can control when the future becomes the present. What has happened in the past will always be a thought. However, agreeing to the reality of what WAS allows us to define the elements of the past as examples or non-examples. By hanging on to what “should’ve happened” in the past and what “should happen” in the future, we create a duality within us that cannot be reconciled. We can never be present in this constant state of division. Understanding the WAS-ness of the past and the IS-ness of the present and the future prevents our split.
Thoughts and beliefs about the past and the future create negative emotions because we have no power to act except in the present moment. But how we believe about them is within our ability to control. What is real is the present moment and what we can control. It is reality, and being in this reality is grounding in itself. Again, this is why grounding is such a powerful tool: we move out of autopilot to consciously use our senses to describe what IS present in the present.
Gratitude is grounding as well because we are recognizing what we do have (can control) and what IS. “What if I don’t feel grateful?” Just keep it simple. Acknowledging what we can control and then doing it is a form of gratitude in and of itself. Gratitude keeps us present because its intrinsic reality pushes out the fears of missing out on what we don’t have, losing what we have, and being less without someone or something. These are fears about the future, which isn’t real. They are only thoughts.
Know the present by installing this belief.
(18.) I agree to the reality of what IS, not what “should be,” so I control what I can.
So much of our thinking is about what we think things “should” be or wishing they were the way we want them to be. This wreaks havoc within us because the very nature of what we wish it were is illusory thinking. Our negative emotions tell us that what we want the reality to be is different from what it IS. Agree to what IS, and we will feel the difference within us. When we continually agree to what IS, we do what works, what we can control.
(19.) I agree to the reality that I can’t read minds, so I control what I can
This new belief overwrites the old belief that we know what others think about us. We don’t have telepathy; we may be able to predict behaviors in certain situations, but not in every situation. We think prediction is the same as reading minds, but they are not the same. It’s just a prediction, but we can anticipate the situation as to what we think may happen. To anticipate the situation, create a plan a, b, or c for future situations. All plans must be possible and plausible (realistic). We cannot control the future, but we can control what we do in it. This keeps the power to act within us.
Be mindful not to let anticipating turn into what-ifs. What-ifs are what might happen with no plan, whereas anticipating the situation creates logical and reasonable plans to deal with actual situations that may occur. So, if we know someone well enough and can predict their behavior accurately, we anticipate the situation, giving us true control. “What if we don’t know them well or at all?” First, ask ourselves, “Why do I need to care about what others think in this situation? Why does what they think matter?” If there’s no need, then just be ourselves. If we need to care on some level, then agree with the reality: We can’t read minds and control what they do. Anticipating the situation gives us control over what we can and will do. Staying in this process of Can Control, notice how emotions shift from negative to more positive. We may still experience some nervousness, but we can hold tight to our confidence that we have plans in our control that will work for us.
(20.) I agree to the reality that I can’t control what anyone thinks, says, or does, so I control what I can.
This new belief is broad and includes anyone at any time and anywhere. We have how we think others should act in our heads, and those “shoulds” create expectations of results and outcomes that we will never get. At this point, we need to be asking ourselves, “Why does this matter?” If we can’t come up with an answer that leads to solutions within our power to act, we let them be. We can have influence, work with them, or leave them be, but we don’t have a remote control to anyone. The sooner we agree to the reality of someone’s IS-ness, the easier our lives will be. It will be easier because we will no longer waste precious energy on something we can’t control. Awareness of what others think, say, and do is a more productive shift in belief and meaning. Awareness is not paranoia. Being aware is not worry-filled with anxiety and what-ifs that are dead-ends in our problem-solving process.
We get too hung up on our judgments of others – what they should or shouldn’t be doing, according to us. That judgment creates a negativity about them, and then we try to influence others with that judgment. Why do we need them to be different? Different in that they act like us? Why do we need them the same as us? Recognizing they are different and wanting them to be more like us creates further separation because it’s not possible to change them, so we argue, attack, and accuse. It becomes an us vs. them. Shifting to “What works for me” or “What doesn’t work for me” suspends the judgment. It keeps what we don’t like about something to ourselves and doesn’t impose our belief system on others. What works for us may not work for someone else, and that’s okay.
(21.) I agree to the reality that I can’t know the future, so I control what I can and anticipate the situation.
Many of us live in the future; we’re convinced the future will save us from our present because, somehow, that future that we don’t know and is only imaginary will be better. “It’s gotta be, anything is better than right now.” We said that last week about this week, and then we rinse and repeat. Is it better? Better than what? Our standards of measurement from our ego self are in continual flux.
There is only power to act, experience, and truly live in this present moment; there is no power to act in the past or the future. We can think about the future, but we can’t DO anything in the future because it’s only a thought.
Again, start with what we know about some specific event or situation in the future – “They will be there, this will be there, this event is happening then, etc.” The future is unknowable, but what is knowable are our realistic plans of what we can control when the future becomes the present. We can take examples and non-examples from what WAS and utilize their reality to guide our IS-ness experiences in the future. These examples and non-examples become the IS-ness of the future we can realistically plan for because the future IS going to happen. The unknown IS there, but this IS what we are going to do; this IS how we will handle things. This IS how we anticipate situations in the future. Understanding the IS-ness of the future gives us more control over it.
We can’t know the future, but we can anticipate situations, events, etc., if need be. As stated above, create a plan a, b, or c for a realistic situation in the future. All plans must be possible and plausible (realistic), no what-ifs. This keeps the power to act within us while remaining flexible if something happens that we cannot anticipate because we know how to make realistic plans. We can’t know the future, but we can control what we do in it when we get there.
(22.) I agree to the reality that I can’t change the past, so I understand it and control what I can.
This belief is about a broad history of ourselves, our place in the history of things, or history itself. People have done some ugly and awful things to others in the past, but it did happen. The core of this new belief is not that something shouldn’t have happened but the fact that it did happen. Understand the past as it WAS, just the facts without presentism.
Presentism is interpreting past events with current beliefs, attitudes, and values. This is unproductive and destructive to ourselves within our personal timeline as well as the collective timeline. The question is, what do we do with that knowledge now? Notice how our past, or that past, no longer represents who we are. We see how far we have progressed since that time and how much further we want to move forward. Another belief that may also work is ” I agree to the reality of what WAS, not what should have been, so I create non-examples and examples from the past.”
(23.) I agree to the reality of my evolution, so I keep creating.
We can evolve. If we could see our life from the beginning to the present, we could see how much we have evolved in our growth, development, learning, and understanding. Keep evolving by creating more experiences that continue to elevate us. Our personal evolution is the purpose of every change we make in how we experience the world we walk through.
(24.) I agree to the reality that I can trust myself with what I can control.
We think from our perceived failures and shortcomings that we cannot trust ourselves in the future. With this lack of trust in ourselves, we begin to avoid, isolate, and separate by denying ourselves experiences or choices that may be “wrong.” This judgment creates issues with our self-worth. One glaring problem with when we think we failed in the past or used poor judgment is that we were not considering all the elements out of our control. We then place those elements in our memory as evidence that we cannot trust ourselves. We commonly label what was out of our control as things we should’ve been able to control. We take all of this from our past and project it into the future as “we can’t trust ourselves.” We need to see our past efforts accurately. The lack of trust in ourselves we believe to be final is just a negative projection of inaccurate measurements from our ego selves focusing on our past failures. Separate what we could control from what was out of our control. Turn past “failures and shortcomings” into non-examples.
(25.) I agree to the reality I’m not responsible for anyone’s happiness (or any emotion), so I create my happiness and project it.
For so many of us, when we see someone upset, we feel responsible for fixing them. It is right, true, and appropriate to help others, but we are not responsible for their state of happiness. We confuse our sense of responsibility with helping and supporting. We take this kind of responsibility as a more permanent or fixed job/role, an ownership. How long are we responsible? Helping and supporting is a function, something we can do. If we are constantly fixing for other people, how will they learn? We create a dependency, and they become helpless. If we’re always fixing for others, we can become dependent on fixing others for our sense of worth.
As much as we influence others, we do not directly control their emotions. Believing we are responsible for others’ emotions can lead to self-worth issues if we don’t get others to like us or get others’ approval. If we don’t get those results, we think we are less. This leads us to consistently try to be the person we think they need us to be. So, we act in ways we think others will like or approve. By then, we can become entwined in the relationship because we act a certain way for others and become lost as to who we are or who we are not.
This process we go through to get approval and favor can look similar to being superstitious. Believing in superstitions puts us in control, we think, of things that give meaning to random results and outcomes. “Watch out for the black cat, don’t step on a crack, better knock on wood…etc.” Our beliefs and behaviors work similarly when we think that if we do this, then others will like and approve of us. If we do A, we have guarded against B, bad luck – rejection. If it happens a few times, we believe fully in the process. But when it does not work, we are sad, hurt, depressed, and possibly angry as well. We don’t question our beliefs but rather turn the fault of it not working on ourselves, which is inaccurate. This process further exacerbates our sense of worth.
When our responsibility to others is based in reality, we have empathy and provide help and support. We show their value through what we can do. We can do all this without taking responsibility for others’ emotions because that’s not reality. We can also “agree to the reality that they are them, and I am me, so I can only do what I can, and I am good with that.”
(26.) I agree to the reality of the current state of the earth, so I control what I can to make a difference.
Many on the planet have deep concerns about the current state of the earth regarding crime, living conditions, pollution, pain, suffering, natural disasters, extreme weather, and so much more. Our negative emotions about all this dysfunction will weigh heavy on us if we only think it should be different without taking action to make a difference. These negative emotions are telling us to move away from that unrealistic belief. Just thinking it should be different does nothing to make it different. Get out and do, participate, and create the difference.
(27.) I agree to the reality that people get hurt in this world, so I control what I can, help and support where I can.
Everywhere in the world, people are hurt on purpose and accidentally, and we experience trauma, pain, suffering, tremendous grief, and sorrow in response to it. We want nothing more than for this not to be the case and to avoid this level of pain and suffering. Unfortunately, much of this is out of our control, and we feel powerless to make any difference. When these things happen, it’s common for many of us to think we should have been able to protect them somehow. Many may also look to some divinity to intercede in some way. In the face of limited control, what we can do is agree to the reality that people get hurt. Things we can control include offering support through direct care and providing resources, time, and empathy, to name a few.
If we have been traumatized by purposeful abuse and violence, we agree that it happened. Can we say it was wrong for someone to choose to do this? Yes. Can we say it shouldn’t have ever happened? No, for three reasons – 1. we cannot control what anyone thinks, says or does. 2. The event or events have passed, and we cannot change results or outcomes in the past. It’s now in the WAS. 3. Because that would be denying its WAS-ness, and our denial and avoidance will keep our trauma and what happened current and continuously re-experiencing it until we shift to beliefs grounded in reality.
The same principles apply if we have been traumatized by accidents or natural forces. We can’t control nature or the many intersecting elements involved in an accident. Resisting the reality of what happened won’t change it. We will only trigger ourselves with our denial over and over again.
A new belief that will ground us, “I agree to the reality my trauma WAS, but it does not define me, so I heal and evolve.”
(28.) I agree to the reality that I cannot trust everyone, so I control how I trust.
“I should be able to trust them because…” is a common belief. The reality is that we can’t trust everyone the same. In the world of social media, nothing stops anyone from posting something we thought we shared in private and trusted that it would remain that way, only to find it reposted or retold in multiple places to multiple people. Some of us use information as currency, which means we place our worth in having new and exciting information to help others or to trade for attention and then be seen as unique or special for our ability to be a purveyor of information.
So, how are we supposed to handle trust? By controlling how we trust. If we think certain people may repeat something we have told them, then only share with them things we wouldn’t care if it gets repeated. If we think we may be judged unfairly about what we say to someone, don’t say it. Time within our relationships is a good measurement of how we can trust others. We will only have a few very close relationships where we can say anything, knowing we won’t be judged or have the information shared with others. We struggle when we think we “should” be able to tell those we think we should our sensitive information without judgment or having it repeated. We may need to rethink what information we share and to whom.
(29.) I agree to the reality of the nature of humans, so I control what I can.
People en mass or part will always do whatever they do. We can predict to some degree what people will do, but nothing takes the place of agreeing to the nature of humans in any setting to be calm, handle whatever situation we find ourselves in, and control what we can. When we are surprised by others’ behavior, we think they should act differently than they are. Either it’s a crowded place, in traffic, the choices others make, or the pain caused by others’ choices. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care, but our beliefs and emotions need to align with what we can do about it in the moment. Here’s an alternative belief, “I agree to the reality of the IS-ness of humans, so I lead, follow, or get out of the way.”
(30.) I agree to the reality of my past Illusion of Control so True Control IS my reality.
Agreeing to this reality may seem backward, but agreeing to our Illusion of Control says that we recognize it exists, how we have believed in it, how we have acted on it, and how it has affected us negatively. We now understand it. Many of us think that when we go for a while without any major life issues or prolonged distressing emotions, we are good. Only to find that when something happens out of our control, we’re good till we’re not. Agreeing to the reality turns the Illusion of Control into all we can control. We won’t have to worry that “I’m good till I’m not.” We can now say, “I’m good no matter what.”
There are more grounded beliefs to discover as we understand how this process sounds and works. Create your own that fits your situation. Examples could include: “I agree to the reality that people leave for various reasons.” “I agree to the reality that others will judge [me], and their judgment is none of my concern.” “I agree to the reality I can be flexible with me, my time, my choices, and others.” “I agree to the reality of my current health, so I create the health that works for me.”
CAN CONTROL
So, what can we control? Examples include boundaries with others, what we say and when we say it, what we don’t say, how we say things, standing up for ourselves, standing up for others, dealing appropriately with safety issues, calling 911, not creating an argument, walking away, ignoring, how flexible in thought, word, and action we can be, what we do and don’t do, how much effort we put forth, how we care for ourselves and many more. When raising kids, we can control their environment, and with the future, we can anticipate the situation by making plans that are both possible and plausible. Possible and plausible means it’s 100% in our power to enact.
Focusing on what we can’t control has gotten us nowhere, so we need a different strategy. Some might say, “What am I supposed to do, just sit around and do nothing?” NO, but focusing on results and outcomes we cannot get IS doing nothing!
When we focus on what we can control, we start thinking about ideas, options, and solutions we can implement. We can get involved in local, state, or national causes and social issues; if there isn’t one, create one. If something doesn’t work for us, we know what we can control and then do what we can. When we create our world around only what we can control, new solutions that we never considered will appear because we spent most of our time in the World of Can’t Control – trying to mash a square peg into a round hole.
CHANGE THE MEANING
Many of us are afraid to heal because so much of our pain has become a normal state for us. We have been in pain for so long that it’s difficult to imagine being any other way. It can easily be – “Who Am I without it? I’ve had this for so long I can’t remember my life without it.” These thoughts about our identity are centered around the pain, suffering, and trauma we have experienced. It can seem as if the object of our focus and being is taken away, and now we perceive this immense void within us. We may even feel the need to fill it with more pain or even recycle the old pain because that is what we know. The ego self usually pushes us to go with what we know rather than seek a new experience, thinking that keeps us safe. We have a fresh canvas, a blank slate to experience and create new beliefs and meanings that change the nature of our relationship with our past pain and suffering. “I agree to the reality my past pain WAS, so I live in and create my IS-ness without limits.”
When we change our beliefs about ourselves, someone, or something, it changes the meaning. When we change the meaning, we change emotions. This shift from old meaning to new meaning becomes transformative. This transformation changes our fundamental energy, frequency, and vibration. As we work the process of the formula, we transform ourselves from what we feared was permanent and what we thought we had to endure to a life we choose to experience and engage as a tool to create our Authentic Self. As we live this transformation daily, we move ever closer to our Divine Self.
We have already changed the meaning of things from our past but rarely think of them this way. Examples include things we used to be afraid of when we were young but are no longer. We grew up and understood it differently, and then the meaning changed, which changed our emotions of fear about it. Think of foods that we used to hate but now we enjoy. The food didn’t change, we did. We changed our belief about the food, and this shift in meaning changed our sense of taste, touch/texture, and smell of that food. That’s the power of a belief.
We can change our present to a daily reflection of our Authentic Selves as we consistently embrace the reality of what IS by controlling what we can. Changing our future to one of confidence and creation as we project who we are through our clear vision of what we can create through True Control, we will change the meaning of ourselves and others. We give meaning to events and cause them to matter – nothing matters unless we choose it to matter.
As we use the formula to change our beliefs to work for us, start asking our old triggers and experiences, “Why does it have to mean what it does? Why can’t it mean something else entirely? What do I have to do to get something to mean something entirely different?” Ask these questions every day about negative emotional triggers. We cannot change the external events from our past, but we can change their internal meaning. Change the past to what WAS, change the present to what IS. By changing our habits to control what we can, we can change the meaning of our past to that of experiences that taught us who we are NOT and who we ARE.
CARE LESS?
“So are you telling me not to care? Give up on things I care deeply about? I don’t know if I can do that.” Absolutely not. We don’t have to become a hollow tin chest. Continue to care about what is important to us, but care more about things we can control so we don’t waste energy on what we can’t. We will all have varying degrees of heartbreak, heartache, heartsick, and heartburn. This formula provides a way to stop placing our care into mental and physical efforts that are amplifying these conditions and will not get us the results we wish and want. All our negative emotions are telling us this. So put our direct care into what we can control, and don’t waste energy on what we can’t. Care to the degree to which we can offer help, support, and comfort. Our hearts will love us for it.
Care From a Distance
“How much should I care about things I can’t control?” We care about people, issues, and events worldwide, but frequently, it is not in our power to do anything directly other than offer resources if we can. We can’t always be in those affected places. To put our care to more effective use, work on what’s in front of us and let that energy expand outward to influence others to do the same.
To be in balance with thought and action is to focus on what we care about and create a mental list of all that we can do about it and all that we can control. We can’t engage in life when we’re stuck in neutral, spinning around the past, the future, people, all things we cannot control. We do nothing, go nowhere, and then wonder why. Shift into drive because we can control that. Reverse has its purpose, but it’s tough to progress forward in reverse.
Shift Our Energies
The emotional pressure we put on ourselves for things we want to be different is enormous. In this enormity, we think we are doing something, that we are really caring. Yet we are doing the opposite. How? No amount of thinking, caring, or intense emotion will render the outcomes and results we want from anything outside our control. Thinking about it harder won’t give us more control. Put those energies into efforts that will not be wasted. Put them into the World of Can Control, caring for self and others, empathy, compassion, connecting with others, and actions that create new ideas, options, and solutions. These and more can make an actual difference.
As we fundamentally change our beliefs, we move our focus and attention away from what we can’t control to what we can and then DO that which we can. We are now in greater control of our emotions. Inner peace, happiness, contentment, joy, and love become commonplace, everyday occurrences because we are in alignment with reality.
WHAT NOW WITH ANGER?
“When I experience anger, what do I do with it?” So much of our anger comes as a reaction against a loss – A loss of respect, fairness, standing, reputation, relationships, trust, etc. Remember, the emotion of anger does not require us to act on it, but our habits and beliefs might. We have to decide in these moments if this path of anger is one to stay on. How will our anger help us get what we want? Does the loss deserve retribution? Punishment? Hostility? Or do we use the formula to guide us to what we can control in those moments that serve us best?
“When do I act on anger now that I know where it comes from?” “When does it matter?” An example could be situations with potential safety issues, harm, or danger to self, family, friends, and others. Another example could be a legal issue. In these possible situations, our anger is telling us that there is an imbalance. Notice the reality of the situation and move into problem-solving. This will reduce our emotions of anger so it is not driving our decisions and clouding our judgment.
When using the formula consistently, notice the change in the frequency of our anger. Resistance to reality comes by thinking, “Yeah, but…” I wish…” “But if…” “That’s not right…” and the list goes on. Agreeing to reality pushes out those thoughts of resistance to reality.
WHAT NOW WITH ANXIETY?
Memories have no sense of time, so what WAS can easily become our IS now. Negative triggers have no sense of time, so triggers can come from anywhere on our timelines and can be associated with unexpected places, events, sounds, smells, etc. Again, we can’t change the past, but we can change its meaning by understanding the reality of it. Regular use of the formula will fundamentally change our beliefs about the unknown. The unknown will still be there, but the meaning will have changed due to a realistic view and our ability to control what we can through realistic planning, with the absence of what-ifs. Plans create action, but what-ifs freeze our action.
Stress vs Anxiety
Our beliefs in reality produce positive emotions, so when we experience negative emotions of anxiety, they will stand out even more now. An important distinction is the difference between stress and anxiety. Stress is about things we can control, such as deadlines, homework, to-do tasks, chores, errands, etc. Anxiety is about what we can’t control in the unknown and all the imagined stories amplified by what-ifs that cycle in and out.
Listen to Emotions
Take every opportunity to listen to what our emotions are telling us. With negative emotions of anxiety, they are telling us that there is an unrealistic belief still held. Use the formula to understand it and then create a new belief. Listening to our emotions of fear and understanding them frees us from old beliefs that we will miss out on something we don’t have, lose something we currently have, and that without that someone or something, we are less than, incomplete, destitute, and/or unhappy. When we are looking at why, we can always change the how.
We live in the real world; we need to connect to reality in the real world. Start everyday by setting our intentions to calm, control, clear direction, confidence, and compassion. No matter what comes our way, we have a plan that we can count on. Create this plan within us, so it becomes us.
WHAT NOW WITH GRIEF? SORROW?
It’s unrealistic to think we’re never going to experience grief and sorrow. We can visit it, but we don’t have to live there. Or, it might visit us, but we don’t have to let it move in to stay. Many tend to judge grief and sorrow as bad things, but they do not have to mean that because they can show us what we value and hold dear. We see them as the opposite of happy, but are they? Why do they have to mean that? “Because I’m not happy. I’m in a state of loss.” Yes, the loss happened, but we can simultaneously move into a state of what CAN be instead of being stuck in the loss of what we think should be. Within our loss, we can also be in a state of value, insight, appreciation, and gratitude. We can choose to create what can be from our grief and sorrow. This change in meaning means that they matter, and what they contribute matters. Ask, “How did the relationship contribute to my growth?” “How did this loss contribute to my growth?”
Process of Grief
We can absorb the best of them or the positives of the experience and transfer that to other areas of our lives so we can progress. Grief and sorrow can then be a beautiful process. How we see ourselves can now reflect what we hold dear. Because they are important, how we believe about them (example or non-example) elevates us instead of thinking the loss makes us less. If they are an example, we want to rise up with them instead of shrink from them. If they are a non-example, they have shown us what not to do by being exactly who they are. Following this process within the formula can appropriately measure who we truly are. We have gotten glimpses of our Authentic Self but have struggled to recognize them.
Birth – Death – Rebirth Archetype
The archetypal narrative throughout time that fits powerfully within our losses is birth-death-rebirth. All living things have a birth, and all things die, but where is the rebirth from our loss? Where is the rebirth for those who continue? It’s how we change the nature of the relationship, and through that change of meaning, what we have absorbed, we become reborn. We become reborn in a progressive state of our Authentic Self. We understand birth-death-rebirth and our part in it. Our part is how we fit into the story, our new narrative. It is how we will be productive, progressive, and evolutionary within this process. It is how we take a negative and transmute it into a positive.
WHAT NOW WITH DEPRESSION?
Depressed people frequently hear, “Just choose to be happy!” Nobody is choosing to be depressed; we are just unaware that it is our thought process that is bringing it on and deepening it. We’re trapped in our minds; we stop processing life as it is happening. Everything is dark and oppressive. It’s a measurement problem. Our default measurement has been we are less than not enough, which saps us of energy and ability to solve problems. We think we are stuck and broken, or our brain is broken, and we can’t think our way out. The only thing broken is our hope that we can be anything different than what we believe right now. As stated thoroughly in this article, it is choosing to change the belief that will change the meaning, which will change the emotion. These changes will connect us with our Authentic Truth, our Authentic Choice, and our Authentic Self.
Internal Affects External
When we’re constantly thinking negatively about ourselves, we can’t think it’s not going to affect us internally, which then affects our external output, which becomes little to nothing. We freeze, we shrink, we sulk, we are unmotivated. We can’t think negative and expect to feel positive. The minute we experience something we think validates our negative beliefs, it becomes further proof of our self-imposed negative state of being. We think it’s real, but it’s only a thought. That thought can be changed, as stated above.
A grounded method of moving out of depression is doing what we can control, which activates our internal power to act. This simplistic shift of energy ignites possibilities. It is possible. We can control what thoughts are going through our heads by repeating the new beliefs. Then do the next thing: what is it? Care for self. Get up. Take a bath or shower. Walk around. Interact with others. In the past, these things have felt impossible, but through understanding what IS and what ISN’T, moving into what we can control IS possible.
Change Our Energy
To consistently change the energy within us, start with self and then go outward to others. Ask, “What is my highest/greatest thought about myself?” Examples include: “I am limitless, I create, I choose. I can, I will, and I do. I choose all of them.” Now, say the same about others. Everyone struggles in their own way. As mentioned before – understanding is a complete agreement of what something or someone is, and we can’t change it. Changing the energy within us will silence the negative thoughts from our ego self. Start repeating new belief numbers 6, 9, and 17, and don’t stop until these beliefs are permanent.
A WORD ABOUT CHILDREN
We can easily stress out our kids by imposing unrealistic expectations on them. Through our understanding of the formula, we experience flexibility that allows understanding. Now, we transfer that to our children in raising them. We want them to understand and have flexibility, ideas, options, and new ways to create. “Yes, but what if they’re holy terrors?” SO? We’re herding cats! We can learn to be as flexible as it would take to herd cats! That is their IS-ness. Guide them to the outcomes that work for them. We can’t mash a square peg in a round hole. It is the same with children.
Experiential Education
Remember, we learn best through experience, so don’t try to prevent every “mistake” children might make. Mistakes are required for learning. So take away the judgment of mistakes, take away the rightness and wrongness of it, and replace it with works or doesn’t work because critical judgments on a little one can be devastating. The child’s ego self will internalize the negative judgments and create inaccurate measurements of self – “I did wrong, so I am wrong.” “I make mistakes, so I am a mistake.” “I did something bad, so I am bad.”
Instead of Command and Demand, Ask Questions
Instead of judgments, ask, “If you had to do this over again, what would you do differently?” “Do you think what you did was okay?” “Would you want someone to do the same thing to you?” Ask these questions with the same tone and volume as we would ask someone for directions, a tone of information. Stay away from a tone and volume of challenge, command, and demand.
Questions Disengage the Ego Self
Using these questions to get their answers provides early insight into children’s thinking processes about their behavior. As parents, we will know our children better. Asking questions also tells a child, “I care about what you think.” This process of questioning will develop a deeper bond. By using questions, this process allows for our flexibility in thought and decision. Questions disengage the ego self and engage the mind for deliberate action instead of reaction. This flexibility also suspends judgment because it teaches them the many different ways to get to number ten. There’s 5+5, 6+4, 11-1, 10, etc. They are all different, but they are also correct. Our children are all different, but they are also correct as they are.
CONCLUSION
Again, to restate and reinforce, we see the world as it should be from our point of view. When something or someone is out of place, we notice it immediately. It stands out and stops us in our tracks, and a negative emotion usually follows. In these times, remember our experience with the fence. Don’t compromise “what IS” for what “should be.” True Control is how we choose our Authentic Self.
Remember our experience at the lake. Wait for the water to still, throw another rock, and choose a different experience. The experience can be whatever we choose, positive or negative, depending on the belief and meaning we assign.
Unity and Inner Strength
Attempting to control things beyond our reach with mere thoughts and beliefs is futile, maddening, depressing, and full of unknowns. Being conscious of what is out of our control expands our consciousness and gives us greater control in our lives. What is in our control are our conscious decisions to choose what works for us or what doesn’t work for us. That’s why listening to our emotions and letting them guide us towards unity with our Self is crucial. Following the formula will heal our illusion of separation. This illusion is believing we are less than we are, so we are separated from our Authentic Self. Unifying our consciousness to the knowledge of our Authentic Self creates our inner strength. That inner strength creates true power from within. True power allows us to create the relationships, experiences, and life we want as our Authentic Self.
Let Emotions Be Our Guide
Our negative emotions tell us what is inaccurate about ourselves and what we can’t control. Positive emotions tell us that we are in control. Our negative emotions are like physical pain. Our brilliant system lets us know to move away from pain, physical as well as mental. It is a system of simplistic complexity. What we do next restores our power and resides in our committed focus on controlling what we can. This will take dedicating our whole mind, body, and soul to the process of creating our Authentic Self as we have seen and felt at various times in our life by an overflow and outpouring of powerful emotions of gratitude, love, joy, compassion, and inner peace. Conscious creation with purpose. It is imperative to do the inner work. We need to move away from what is “easier” and do what’s worthwhile, long-lasting, and permanent. “Yeah, but it’s harder.” But what’s harder? Keeping things as they are, or moving to a point where we can look back and say, “Look how far I’ve come, and it’s been worth every minute.”
Act On Our Dreams
What is the point of having dreams without actively engaging in what we can control? If we have dreams and do nothing about them, they stay in the dream state and never materialize—it’s always about True Control. However we define happiness and success, all who have achieved these states at any point in their lives have one thing in common – their complete focus on what they could control.
Love Without Conditions
Embrace life with the knowledge that we have nothing to lose by loving unconditionally, being the highest version of ourselves, and showing kindness, care, compassion, selflessness, generosity, and acceptance at all times. Remember, our existence itself is the most valuable thing, and it gives us the power to create and experience all that we desire. We are limitless, and by living in this way, we will be able to achieve anything we set our mind to. We desperately need to shift our focus as humans to what we can control rather than focusing on what we cannot. Our mental and physical well-being will improve as we do this daily. Reality is the truth that heals.
Live Intentionally
Keep riding the wave. We have solid momentum now. Every moment, live intentionally, no autopilot. When we notice we are on autopilot, start narrating in our head what we are doing at every moment, and this will keep us focused in the here and now. This gets easier quickly. Intention becomes the default standard, never autopilot. We use autopilot intentionally. Don’t be impatient with our growth and progress; it’s a process. Impatience has an element of anxiety. Patience is not dispassionate, but this passion is without anxiety. A passion that can be patient and comes with a sense of gratitude for what is SO. Patience can still include a sense of urgency – this isn’t impatience; it’s a sense of priority and importance. It’s what truly matters.
To be our Authentic Self is not a choice; we are already that. We choose not to be that and listen to our ego self, and that’s where the negative emotions come from—denying ourselves and reality, avoiding ourselves and reality, and trying to control things we can’t. Our gift of self is to be ourselves. And being ourselves is all there is to be, all that we can control, all that we can do. We limit ourselves to our body, what we see. Too many of us believe that is our reality, but our body is not the limit of us. Our minds can connect to larger visions and versions of ourselves. Let the love back in our lives. We have forgotten who to love inside and how to project that love outside. Remember Who We Truly Are.