By Alan Jacob, CMHC
ATTACHMENT vs. CONNECTION
Too often, we look to another to complete our self-portrait rather than seeing ourselves as whole, as our own resource for love and fulfillment. Many have a subconscious mindset of deficiency. A foundational belief drives this sense of deficiency: failing to see ourselves as a resource. Our subconscious floats just below our daily consciousness, which can manifest as an inner critic reminding us daily of our insufficiency. The inner critic says we need someone or something else to fill this sense of insufficiency, but another person or thing cannot fill this sense of deficiency; the mindset itself is problematic.
This “I’m less than” measurement from the inner critic is inaccurate; it creates the desire in many of us to quickly attach to others or things for fear of missing out or fear of losing what little we feel we do have. This inaccurate belief that we’re not enough drives us to feel and believe we need particular things and or others regardless of the nature of the relationship. We feel we are not enough, so we attach to others, thinking we’re connecting, because of our not enough-ness. For this reason, many relationships are geared toward what we get out of them.
A needs-based relationship will never be completely satiated. Much of its stability depends on the successful transference and meeting of needs. What happens if this delicate balance is disturbed? What happens when we are reminded of our sense of deficiency? These internal beliefs of insufficiency are an internal problem, and we desperately try to solve it through external solutions.
Until we change this foundational belief, this sense of not-enoughness will be a voracious black hole of need that threatens to crush everything with its immense gravity. Another person cannot directly control what we believe; we have to choose to believe we are enough. Others can influence, but ultimately, the decision is ours. What might be possible if we complete our own self-portrait? What if it frees us of need, enabling us to share ourselves freely without condition? Free to experience self, others, things, and events in their IS-ness. To truly connect, rather than attach. This article provides a contrast between attachment relationships to self, others, things, events, and connection with the same relationships in all aspects of our lives as adults.
What Is Attachment?
An attachment is a need for someone or something that can become all-encompassing in thought, word, and action. The thing or person we become attached to does not necessarily reciprocate, and this requirement for reciprocation is a significant source of what drives attachment. A sense of not-enoughness and a desire to be made whole by another also drives attachment. When we’re attached, we are not our True Self because we’re worried about loss – losing something we have or missing out on something we want and afraid of not having something we need to be whole. These things we fear we are not getting are the reason we hang on – wanting desperately for the other person or thing to reciprocate what we want, what we want to get out of them. We focus on what we need rather than what IS, and this creates an inflexibility of thought. We want the other to respond to us the way we want them to, but we can’t control this. When it doesn’t happen, conflict arises within us and outside of us.
What Is Connection?
Moving to the state of connectedness is about changing the nature of the relationship we have with someone or something. Connecting is akin to Maslow’s Self-Actualization and Jung’s Individuation. A self-actualized, fully individuated person is not seeking to gain anything from the other in a relationship or coming from a place of deficiency/seeking to fill a void. Connection with others can include family, friends, people we meet traveling, and romantic partners. Connecting with others does not have to be reciprocal for those in this state. A connection doesn’t worry about what the other is wanting, thinking, doing, and being. We know we can’t control any of that, so we connect with them as they are, their IS-ness. Connection is focused on making authentic choices, focusing on the highest good for ourselves and others. We can connect with others by seeking to understand them, asking questions, and being interested in their IS-ness even if they are not in a place to reciprocate.
Connection That Works for Us
In connection, we know who we are because we’ve experienced who we are not and are moving to who we want to be and become. Because of this, we’re not looking for someone to complete us but rather to share our completeness and our wholeness. When we connect with those who aren’t ready to reciprocate connection, we’re not critical; we’re not judging, and we agree to their IS-ness (The IS-ness of ourselves, others, and things doesn’t describe anything it doesn’t have). When connecting with people, we may only be connecting with some parts of them, so we connect with the parts we can. The things about them that don’t work for us don’t matter. We connect with the things that DO matter, that DO work for us. This makes connecting flexible. We can use the phrases “what works for us” and “what doesn’t work for us” for anything. They are essential because they suspend opinions and judgments, and both agree to the reality of what IS. How? Saying something “works for me” is just that; it works for ME. “What works for me” restricts our opinions and judgments to ourselves and does not impose them on anyone else, nor do we expect others to agree.
Connectedness relieves us of the burden of critical judgement, which wastes time because it sits in the world of illusion of what ISN’T. We waste time scheming how things should be different. When we have the burden of should, shouldn’t, or wish, that expectation requires action that we can’t control or do, but internally, we feel somebody should be doing something about it. Relieved of this burden, there is a lightness to life, a freedom to enjoy, find the humor, and to love without conditions.
Elements of Connection
Connection is understanding and flexible. It handles situations and relationships fluidly. It is vulnerable, authentic, and without expectations or conditions. Connection is desire, passion, and being present. Desire is our initial thought about what we want to experience. Desire is not a need. It’s a deep resonating emotion about choosing what to create next and what we want to experience. This desire creates our passion. Passion converts our desire into action, fueling creation. Passion is an expression of who we truly are. It’s a love of doing, and that doing is being, experiencing, and evolving. Someone who connects easily with others and things projects the energy of unconditional love. This is their state of being. And through more experiences with others and things, they become more.
Connection Expressed
The more we connect, the more we can become. The more we become, the more we desire to become even more. Connection challenges us to create, express, and experience a higher and grander vision of ourselves and evolve into higher versions of ourselves. Connection allows us to focus on being the highest version of ourselves and agreeing to the IS-ness of all things and all others.
Connecting with others is an expression of unconditional love. We first must connect with ourselves, with who we are and who we are NOT, and out of that basic equation, we decide who we want to become. We connect with ourselves and decide who we want to be in relationship to the world and others. We want our interactions with others to be unconditional. Because without conditions, we can move seamlessly through ANY situation. These experiences, unfettered by conditions, allow us to expand our consciousness profoundly. Expanding our consciousness means we understand ourselves, others, and our world with more clarity, significance, and purpose. We no longer look at ourselves, others, and the world through a straw. We see things through the lens of reality, what IS, rather than the conditional lens of what we think should or shouldn’t be or wish were different.
Attachment To the Past
We frequently want our past to be different from what it was. We can’t change the past, but we ruminate over how we wish it were different. Our rumination becomes our attachment to the past. We are consistently replaying how it could be different. “Why can’t it be like it was _____?” That idealized past might benefit us, but would it do the same for others? Our attachment to the past is centered around what we think should or shouldn’t have happened and what we wish would happen now. None of these beliefs are based in reality, but we hang on to it as if hanging onto it could make it our reality. If we attach hard enough, maybe it will change. This is how we stay attached. We’re attached to our imagined story of the past. We cannot change the past, and we can’t resolve what we can’t control.
Connecting to the Past
Agreeing to the reality of what WAS allows us to define the elements of the past as examples or non-examples. An example becomes a model of what we will do in the present and the future. A non-example demonstrates what not to do in the present or future. What WAS and what IS are now in their proper places; they are defined by reality. Connect with this new belief – “I agree to the reality of what WAS and define experiences as examples or non-examples.” Say it consistently until all resistance to it fades, and it feels peaceful and connected.
Attachment To the Future, Results and Outcomes
When we think of the future from an attached mindset, most things we can’t control. Many results and outcomes are future-based. We get attached to how we want the future to unfold and stay attached to our idealized result and outcome instead of connecting with the various options, the things we can control, and the grounding of the process. Results are what we get when we follow a process. Outcomes are results plus impact. Having the feeling that our life won’t be complete until this certain something happens is attachment; living for something that isn’t here yet. The future isn’t real yet. We can’t enjoy life like this because we ruminate over if or when the results and outcomes are going to happen the way we think they should. When we are attached to the future, results, and outcomes, the timeline for these things should happen when we think they should. Of course, we cannot control timelines. We have to stay in and focus on the process.
The process takes us through time, which is grounding because the process keeps us in the present. The process is a logical series of systematic, organized steps that create opportunities for results and outcomes but is not focused on them. The process is NOT results and outcomes; the process is the PATH. The process is aware of what we can’t control, but the focus stays fixed on what we CAN control. The process allows us to know where we are going; what we are doing. Connecting with the process connects us with finding fulfillment in the process of life.
Without a process, results and outcomes for the future are merely a guess. When we overlook the process, we prioritize the result and outcome, attaching to it as the object of our desire. Our attachment to the specific result and outcome makes us overlook the process that produces the very object of our desire. Our joy over achieving these results and outcomes fades quickly because the focus of our attachment is now past, “gone” in a sense. Because of the attachment, we built up immense expectations, and when it’s suddenly over, we feel deflated. This indicates attachment to the result and outcome rather than the process.
Focusing on the process is like the principle of delayed gratification, where one puts off immediate/short-term gratification for a long-term result because it brings a more significant payoff. Are we playing the short game or the long game? When we’re attached to results and outcomes, we aren’t happy unless we’re in the moment of getting the result and outcome, and then only briefly. We’re also not happy in the process. We commonly view the process as something grueling we must endure to reach an end goal, not something to enjoy.
End goals can be problematic because we tend to stop when we reach them and think, “Now what?” Progressive, dynamic goals move from one success to the next and move with our progress; we don’t stagnate. Attachment to results and outcomes stays static. High-performance athletes will tell you the success others see and admire came from embracing their process. How many authors write one book? How many actors only want one role? How many financial experts only want one big payday? How many music artists want to play or write only one song? What if Albert Einstein stopped after he earned his first Nobel Prize in 1921, primarily for his first paper on the photoelectric effect?
Another way we attach to the future is through our fearful projections. We struggle as humans with the unknown. In the absence of information, it’s common for us to create our own narratives to fill in the gap of what we don’t know. Instead of giving the benefit of the doubt and focusing on what IS and what we can control in that moment, we react with “what-ifs.” What-ifs are about what might happen. These what-ifs are about perceived danger, loss, or injustices. What-ifs are hypothetical, imaginary situations that we project into the future. They are fictional narratives and unlikely scenarios in which the outcomes are a guess at best and unlikely at worst. But these guesses fill us with dread and impending doom because we are focusing on the what-ifs of the future.
What-ifs come from a place of fear of what might happen or not happen. They are not a safety issue or danger; our brains react like they are. These are imaginary safety issues; they are stories, not reality, but they become our default thinking as if they are real. Because of the imagined realness, we are attached to them. Because they are imagined, we can’t ground ourselves in the future. When we travel through life from fear rather than evolve from love, there is no progress or evolution; we remain static and frozen. It is stagnation; worse, it devolves us.
Connecting to the Future, Results and Outcomes
In order to change the nature of the relationship with the future, we need flexibility of thought. So many of us are attached to results and outcomes. We want the end at the beginning. Results and outcomes that happen in the future are a guess. When we’re connected, we acknowledge this and factor in options, flexibility, and understanding—the ability to adapt and adjust in the moment. The results and outcomes we want in the future will happen more frequently because we follow this process. Humans are incredibly resilient if we don’t have rigidity of thought. Situations will be different, but knowing how to adjust accordingly won’t be different. To better connect with the future, start with all we know about an upcoming event or situation: “They will be there, this will be there, this event is happening then, etc.” This process is grounding because we are focusing on what IS in the future when we get there.
Start viewing and interacting with the process as we would our best friend. The time we spend with our best friend, we enjoy and just be. We have unconditional love for them, and we agree to them completely. Now, do the same with the process. Change the nature of our relationship with the process. Change the priority away from a specific result and outcome and end goal. Redefine our end goals as moving goals, like checkpoints along the way of becoming who we want to be. The priority is who we become along the way, not the specific diploma, award, accomplishment, etc.
A road trip is a fantastic example of a process that we loved, a process that we loved so much that we want to repeat it. The reason we love it isn’t because of the destination (end goal); we started at home and ended at home. The experience of moving goals manifests our love for the road trip and everything we see and do, like the freeway mile markers along the way. We may set a goal to reach a certain place by a specific time, but that goal is more like a waypoint, and when we reach it, we set a new goal. All the stops in between aren’t the point; the point is the road trip experience. We loved the process of the road trip. It was amazing. The interaction with friends, the funny stories, the meals, the snacks, the mystery smell in the back. All this and more creates the process of experience. We don’t think of the end result of getting home but the process we experienced.
Now, apply this love of the process in every aspect of your life. The results and outcomes are side effects, not destinations. Some processes we may not enjoy as much, but like with close friends who may do things that don’t work for us at times, it doesn’t change how we feel about them. Embrace all processes by repeating, “I agree to the reality of the process (of change, life, the life/death cycle, learning, relationships, healing, etc.)”
Fear of the unknown in the future restricts our ability to see the possible and plausible outcomes. To change our fearful relationship with the future, results, and outcomes, we need to acknowledge much of the future is unknowable, but what is knowable are our realistic plans of what we can control when the future becomes the present. We can take examples and non-examples from what WAS and utilize their reality to guide our IS-ness experiences in the future. This is the IS-ness of the future because the future IS going to happen. The unknown IS there, but this IS what we will do and how we will handle things. This IS how we anticipate situations in the future.
Understanding the IS-ness of the future gives us more control over it. We can make plans and maintain flexibility of thought, remembering we can adapt and adjust as reality presents itself. A structure of flexibility allows diversified functions. With a thought structure of flexibility, we can increase our functionality by adapting to various possibilities. This flexibility is grounding and freeing. A structure of flexibility of thought allows us to function at a higher level of connectedness. A structure of rigidity of thought immobilizes us and locks us in place; we defend it fiercely, and we can’t progress. We are unable to see new ideas, options, opportunities, and potentials. Say the following new belief continuously to override the old, “I agree to the reality that I can’t know the future, so I control what I can and anticipate the situation.”
Attachment to Accomplishments and Failures
We attach to our accomplishments as our identity. We use them as proof of our value and worth. But if we are our accomplishments, then we are also our failures. When we use this kind of lens with our accomplishments and failures, we become frozen, unable to move forward. We either remain critical of ourselves based on our past mistakes and are unable to see our way forward, or we attach our current worth and value to past accomplishments. We can’t stand alone on our past accomplishments. What are we doing NOW to grow, to create, to improve, to refine? Standing only on our past accomplishments as our value and worth limits our growth. Limits our vision of ourselves. We may be afraid that future failure will negate our past accomplishments.
When we’re attached, we don’t factor in growth and change. We look at our accomplishments and failures and think they represent our worth instead of realizing it is because of our worth that we were able to accomplish them. Accomplishments and failures are just side-effects of constant growth and development, always seeking to improve.
Many think making mistakes proves we are flawed, weak, incapable, stupid, etc. We also tend to believe our mistakes outweigh our past, present, and future accomplishments. So, when we make a mistake, it triggers negative beliefs, which triggers negative emotions. Everything we’ve ever done, we once did for the first time. Every expert began as a novice, making mistakes and staying true to the process.
Connecting to Accomplishments and Failures
In order to change the nature of the relationship with accomplishments and failures, we need to see our past efforts accurately. So many of us think mistake-making has a direct causal relationship with worth. We’ve made a mistake with how we think of mistakes. Are they mistakes, or are they experiences? In many cases, we have made mistakes mean failure. Mistakes are part of the process of learning, and learning leads to knowledge. Applying that knowledge is wisdom. Wisdom comes by way of trial and error.
Recognizing our worth, we learn from our failures and are able to transmute them into accomplishments. Standing on our inherent value and worth, we are fearless to move forward and create rather than fearful and unwilling to move from the island of past accomplishments. This is the alchemy of success – examples and non-examples from past accomplishments and failures provide understanding and wisdom that light our way forward in our personal evolution. Here are two new beliefs that can replace the old attachments – “I agree to the reality that mistakes are required for learning, so I accept and adjust.” “I agree to the reality that mistakes are not failures; they are a process of growth.”
Attachment to Ego Self Measurements
The ego self initiates a separation between ourselves and our caregivers so that we can see ourselves as individuals with a unique identity, “I am me, they are them.” As we grow and mature, this separation allows us to have our own experiences, our own relationships, our own likes and dislikes, etc. The ego self accurately measures the IS-ness of the concrete world – we know hot, we know cold, that’s why hot and cold are universal, same as up and down, left and right, etc. The ego self does NOT accurately measure SELF in terms of value, worth, progress, deservedness, happiness, or giving or receiving love.
Growing up in our home culture, the ego self quickly internalizes “acceptable” rules of thought, word, and action and then forms opinions and judgments of ourselves and others in relation to these rules. This process is relative to each home, but the ego self takes it as a universal law. This is where our attachment to the ego self measurements begins.
The ego self measurements begin a critical inner dialogue to keep us safe from negative consequences with others. Others’ judgments and opinions become our safety issues. When the ego self starts to measure us in relation to other people, it wants to measure sameness. It measures our IS-ness against their IS-ness, thinking they’ll be the same, but they never will be. Our IS-ness is unique to us, just like our fingerprint. That is them; this is me. The ego self cannot process the abstracts of diversity, uniqueness, and originality. The closest thing to abstract the ego self can measure is something out of place when others do things they shouldn’t from our perspective. This is why we struggle to be different at an early age. We are not comfortable being separate; we want to be the same. When someone isn’t the same, we can, at times, separate them and ostracize them.
We measure ourselves against others, and they become our metric, i.e., “This is who I am, compared to them and others, and I don’t measure up and never will. I’m just not enough.” Most of us spend the better part of our lives trying to measure up based on an inaccurate metric of concrete measurement of sameness, i.e., same look, same clothes, same body, same accomplishments on the same timeline, same relationships, etc. In contrast, because of the ego self’s either/or thinking, we can also compensate for our insufficiency with thoughts of, “I’m better than everyone else.” We don’t question these measurements we’ve been using for years because they’re all we’ve ever known.
Connecting to Realistic Measurements
In order to change the relationship with ego self measurements, move to what works or doesn’t work for us for individual preference regardless of other’s opinions or even our previous preferences. This becomes our Authentic Choice. We can change our minds about self, others, or things anytime we want. Stop listening to the inner critic in our heads; it’s not measuring accurately and allows no room for growth due to its attachment to either/or measurements. Authentic choices are not about opposites such as win/lose, gain/loss, and best/worst; they are about the highest good for us and others. In behavioralizing our Authentic Choice, we become our Authentic Self. Being our Authentic Self daily deactivates our ego self measurements.
The inner critic is frequently most active when we are in autopilot mode. Everyday tasks such as showering, brushing teeth, dressing, driving, etc., are prime times for the ego self to create overthinking (what-ifs/unknown). Turn these autopilot tasks into a narration inside our head of what we’re doing, a play-by-play. This narration quiets our ego self’s overthinking significantly because the ego self cannot live in the present. If we can learn to be present in these times, we can transfer this skill to any other time. Making this process a habit allows us to be present anytime we decide. We are in control, not the ego self. Reality is healing, moving away from ego self measurements. “I agree to the reality of what IS, not what ‘should be,’ so I control what I can.”
Attachment To Relationships
Attachment is a superficial experience of a relationship. We attach to relationships, focused on what we can get out of them rather than what we put into them. It’s about what we need. The attached part of us is focused on what we can capture and hold on to in another. This puts pressure on the other to be things that they aren’t. They may try to be what we need rather than who they are, and vice versa. We may get lost in the relationship, both being who we think the other needs, neither being who we ARE. When we attach ourselves to someone, we give them the power to control our happiness and well-being. We can only be happy if they meet our expectations and do things the way we want them to be done.
External Validation
We attach in relationships to receive external validation. We look to others to validate who we hope we are. So we attach to people who reflect back what we wish we could believe about ourselves, what we wish were true about ourselves. We attach ourselves to THEIR belief about us. We don’t see ourselves as a resource for self-love, so we hang on to the perceived energy (love) source of someone else, thinking we’ll get the energy (love) that we feel incapable of producing. But it doesn’t correctly complete the circuit. A completed circuit is an uninterrupted path for electrons to flow from an energy source through a device and back to the source. If any part of the path is broken, the flow of electrons stops, we no longer get energy from the circuit, and the device no longer has power. When a person we’ve attached to gives up and wants to leave, we hang on desperately attached to the idea of their love because we’ve faultily tried to complete the circuit externally. The correctly completed circuit is within us; we are our own energy source. This energy source is our love of self.
Attachment in relationships displays in various ways – reliance on another for emotional regulation, excessive caretaking, feeling responsible for their emotions, allowing behaviors from the other person that are harmful to us because we’re afraid they’ll leave, constantly apologizing, submissiveness, permissiveness – all out of fear of loss. Attachment keeps us in the past or the future, cycling between the two incessantly. Rarely stopping for the present and longing for things to be fixed and final in the way we think they should be.
The Idea of a Relationship
In attachment, we’re anxious about being alone, so we focus on the status of being in a relationship. We’ve lost sight of what relationships really are, so the attachment IS the relationship. The attachment is all our expectations – what we want it to be or think it should be. This attachment to the status of being in a relationship becomes more important than a genuine connection. This can lead to overlooking warning signs or even committing to a relationship before we really know the person and whether their approach to life and relationships really works for us (or our approach for them). We become focused on what the other is doing, thinking, and being, all to navigate our fears of stepping on landmines that can end it all. This is not a relationship, nor is it connection; this is a coupling of fear, an attachment.
We become attached to specific ideas of what our life should be like with a partner and transfer that attachment onto them. These ideas become our expectations of what we think a relationship should look like and how we think it should be. When we’re attached, it’s difficult to distinguish the reality of the person from the fantasy created by our expectations.
If the other isn’t living up to our ideas of what we think the relationship should be, we’re back to fear again. Conflict sets in because we want the other to be like we expect, and vice versa. We’re not focused on what we’re doing but rather on what the other is doing or not doing. Attachment is like relationship accountancy. Keeping a balance sheet, keeping score. In attachment, there is no divinity. Divinity is love that expresses itself without condition, expectation, or judgment and does so freely, without fear.
Loss
When we lose relationships that are important to us (in any manner), we can stay stuck in that time frame, attached to what WAS. For some, it can be the sheer suddenness of the loss—the loss of support and love. And the love we feel for that person now can feel like it has nowhere to go. The world keeps moving, but we may find ourselves resisting moving forward. We become unsure of how to move forward after the loss. They were in front of us (tangible), and now, for various reasons, they are no longer with us (intangible). We struggle with the tangibility of the relationship becoming intangible. We have to change the nature of the relationship and how we handle ourselves in the absence.
Connecting Within Relationships
In order to change the relationship with relationships, it’s essential to realize that if we’re approaching relationships from a mindset that we are deficient to begin with, then we will form attachments, not connections. Realizing that we’ve always been whole and complete in and of ourselves is the foundation upon which connections can be built. Additionally, agreeing to the reality of the IS-ness of who someone WAS, IS, or WILL BE is vital in creating connected rather than attached relationships. We connect much easier when we see others as they are before deciding what works for us or doesn’t. When you connect with someone, you welcome the similarities and embrace the differences. You don’t try to change them. You are free to be yourself, and they are free to be themselves. There are no expectations, conditions, or strings attached.
Connecting with Change in the Relationship
Change the story of needing a relationship and just be open to connection. What we desire is to connect, and our passion for connection makes this our IS-ness. When you find someone you really connect with, there will be a different energy. The connection will be more magnetic. These kinds of connections can be formed in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. When you have attached relationships, you don’t have an experience; you have expectations. Connected relationships, no matter the nature of the relationship, are a continual experience that grows and develops over time. It creates a deep knowing and understanding of each other. You don’t just know facts about a person (likes/dislikes, works/doesn’t work). Our experiences with connections create a collective wisdom in relationships. We are able to utilize our knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight in ANY relationship. Changing the nature of the relationship puts us in control of how we handle the loss and ourselves in the absence. We move from the tangible to the intangible. Within our loss, we can also be in a state of value, insight, appreciation, and gratitude. We can choose to create what can be from our grief and sorrow. This change in meaning means that they matter, and what they contribute matters. We can absorb the best of them or the positives of the experience and transfer that to other areas of our lives so we can progress. Move to create this new belief – “I agree to the reality of the loss of (insert name or subject), so I understand it and change the nature of the relationship.” Also – “I agree to the reality that True Love of Self and others is unconditional, so I Love without conditions.”
In Conclusion
Connection allows us to embrace life with the knowledge that we have nothing to lose by loving unconditionally, being the highest version of ourselves, and showing kindness, care, compassion, selflessness, generosity, and acceptance at all times. Our existence itself is the most valuable thing, and it gives us the power to create and experience all that we desire. We are limitless, and by living in this way, we will be able to achieve anything we set our mind to. We desperately need to shift our focus as humans to what we can control rather than focusing on what we cannot. Our mental and physical well-being will improve as we do this daily. Remember, connection allows us to focus on being the highest version of ourselves and agreeing to the IS-ness of all things and all others. Connecting with self and others IS the expression of unconditional love.