By Alan Jacob CMHC
Understanding What Love Is
To understand what unconditional love is, it is important to describe what love isn’t. One of the first things we worry about with love, receiving it, expressing it, and projecting it, is, “Will I get it in return?” This IS the condition of love, as many of us understand it – Conditional Love. This is the condition we place on love – that it has to have some kind of result, reward, payoff, or trade. We worry about the condition, “If I say this or do this, will I hear it back? Will it return to me? Will it be reciprocated?” We want others to treat us with respect, no judgments, and accept all of us without condition. In this desire we all share, we’ve stumbled across what unconditional love is, and we’re trying to fit it into a conditional love model because that is what we are used to. “I want them to treat me that way because that’s what you do.” Part of what continues to create the conditions with love is that we don’t treat ourselves how we want others to treat us. We don’t think we are enough, so we grow up expecting others to fill our perceived void.
IS-ness
The simplicity of Unconditional Love is in its agreement with the IS-ness of reality, having an unconditional positive regard for someone or something. Our positive regard happens because it has no judgment, no negative critique of what someone should or shouldn’t be. “How do I have positive regard for someone I don’t like?” Unconditional love starts with agreeing to anyone’s IS-ness, but their IS-ness may not work for us to be around, and that’s okay. The IS-ness of someone doesn’t describe anything they do not have or do.
Works or Doesn’t Work
Some people may not work for us due to incompatibility, offenses given or taken, or any other reason. When someone doesn’t work for us, it’s not a judgment or condition; it just IS, and that IS who they are. The point of unconditional love is to remove our conditions and judgments of others, agree to the reality of them, which is having unconditional positive regard, and then choose if they work for us or don’t work for us.
“What if sometimes they work for me and sometimes what they do doesn’t work for me?” We can confront them appropriately about it, say nothing, place an appropriate boundary, anticipate the situation, and have plans when what they do “doesn’t work for me.” This is the point of unconditional love. There is no condition we place on others to comply with our judgments, our “shoulds.” When we place conditions on others based on what we think they should do, this means, “If you act the way I think you should, then I will love, like, or approve of you.”
Conditions
Having conditions creates separation from love and those we intend to love. This includes ourselves. We get to choose who we are around and who we are not. Instead of picking at them to pieces with judgments of “shoulds” or “I wish” we can’t control, start now completely agreeing to the reality of who they are.
Love is who we are as humans. Love is a pure energy that spreads, unlocks, projects, persists, releases, regenerates, and allows. When we feel hurt, scared, or in trouble, we want to be comforted and supported by others and accepted completely as who we are, unjudged, unmeasured, and unconditional, no matter what we have done or not done. Without judgments, just understanding and agreeing to the reality of who we currently are. This is unconditional love. The time in our lives when this was most clear was when we were children. Even if our childhoods were difficult and adverse, we knew that unconditional love was all we wanted. Even though we didn’t know what to call it then. Yet, on an elemental level, we knew what worked for us. So, the answer is to understand what unconditional love is. To love unconditionally means exactly that – no conditions.
Responding with What Works and Doesn’t Work Instead of Opinion and Judgment
The use of “what works for us” and “what doesn’t work for us” suspends opinions and judgments, and both agree to the reality of what IS. What we might individually think of as “right” or “wrong” now we change to “what works for us” or “what doesn’t work for us.” We can use these phrases for anything. How? Saying something “works for me” is just that, it works for ME. “What works for me” restricts our opinions and judgments to ourselves and does not impose them on anyone else, nor do we expect others to agree. What “works for me” does not imply it should also work for others.
By saying, “This works for me or doesn’t work for me,” we keep the responsibility on ourselves and stay self-focused. These phrases are statements of reality for us individually. “Works for me” (May not work for anyone else, and that’s okay) = things we like; agreeing to the reality of something or someone; the best good for us and others; keeps us in control; maintains our power to act; doesn’t impose our belief on anyone else; allows the process to BE; what IS.
“Doesn’t work for me” (But it may work for them, and that’s okay) = things we don’t like; in regards to others, there may be things we may have to ignore, walk away from, confront appropriately, or if it’s a safety issue, we may have to get involved; if there is a political or social issue that doesn’t work for us, we can get involved or create our own movement; keeps us in control; maintains our power to act; doesn’t impose our belief on anyone else; allows the process to BE; what IS.
Respond by Respecting Others
By acknowledging and respecting each other’s differences, we can understand that we all have unique perspectives based on our past experiences, personality, environment, education, capabilities, and the support we may or may not have received. It’s important to recognize that everyone wants to be respected as an individual, just like we do. When we value others, we become more compassionate and accepting. This leads to non-judgment, which allows others to respond to us. When we feel accepted without judgment, we can be our authentic selves and connect with others more easily.
Responding with Benefit of the Doubt
Much conflict arises from assuming the worst (motives, intentions, etc.) in others. There is a great tendency to assume people mean to harm or disrespect us intentionally. Why are we assuming disrespect? And what if it was? What if it was blatant? How does assuming negative intentions help us? And how do we get the result we want without verbal or physical confrontation? Is that confrontation going to convert them to our belief about respect? Can we punish others into compliance? “Oh, now that you’ve punched me in the face and bloodied my nose, I can see you were right. How stupid of me. Thank you for showing me disrespect so that I can learn respect.” Joking aside, what do we do?
What if we instead give others the benefit of the doubt? People could be in a hurry or didn’t see us. They may have received some terrible news and are struggling to process it. Maybe their thoughts are absorbed in a longstanding troubling issue. Maybe they just lost their job. Maybe they failed an important exam. Maybe a loved one died. Maybe their identity was stolen. There are many realistic possibilities. Many people are completely immersed in their own internal universe of struggles, issues, and fears, making them oblivious to others and how their actions may affect others. We have all, at times, been focused and immersed in our own internal universe in this way and would benefit from the benefit of the doubt from others. We naturally want the benefit of the doubt given to us, so let’s give it to others.
These explanations aren’t excuses for mistreating others, but they can bring understanding and increase patience on our part. The understanding and patience brought by giving the benefit of the doubt is soothing and healing to both parties. Think about it: how do we feel when we assume intentional harm and disrespect? Angry, hurt, vengeful? What a party! How does the other person feel? Like insult has been added to injury, amplifying their already negative emotions? Like lemon juice on a paper cut. Sounds like the perfect conditions for a hurt-fest. The benefit of the doubt stops the impulsive cycle of retaliation that amplifies the pain and distress of all involved. Benefit of the doubt is a belief, a state of BEing, that deactivates our impulsive ego self responses to punish the infraction. Other than a warranted, justifiable safety issue, where action may be required, it is in our power to alleviate much of our own anger and hurt simply by not assuming, by giving the benefit of the doubt. Understanding and patience bring love into a difficult experience and can bring peace, both to ourselves and to others.
Responding by Letting Go of Control
Trying to change people’s minds to agree with us is controlling. When we come out in open combat against another’s beliefs, trying to prove to them how they are wrong, it puts them in a defensive, not a receptive position. (Think about when a person challenges our beliefs. How do we feel? Conversely, when we have come round to another’s point of view, what made this possible?) When we impose our opinions or beliefs onto others, they tend to move away from us, and a genuine connection isn’t possible.
As separate people, we all have different ideas, and we need to develop these thoughts at our own rate. By releasing the desire to change someone’s mind through fear or force, we can create a connection to build trust with our opinion. We can provide facts to support our ideas in a way that allows others to consider the concept in their way of thinking. This thinking will enable them to come to their own conclusion in their own time.
Responding by Agreeing to Disagree
We don’t have to agree with someone to respond with love and authentically connect with them. Those who push our opinions and make us look at an issue in a different light help us develop in ways we can’t imagine. Be open to learning from the exchange of information we both offer on the subject.
As we disagree with one another, it helps to connect ourselves to the agreement of their IS-ness, have tolerance, and avoid assuming we know better. Listen intently to what the other is trying to communicate to us. Listen to understand completely the different perspectives based on our individual experiences.
If the discussion gets heated, breathe and step back. Focus on the facts, and by all means, don’t get personal by belittling one another. No difference of opinion should cause an authentic connection to break. Look for the common ground both have on the subject. We are all human and more alike than we are not.
Responding with Responsibility
We need to take responsibility for our part in our relationships. The times we misunderstood the other, we need to apologize. We must let go of control and accept the other for who they are at that moment. The reason we don’t is because we’re afraid of losing control. What control? We don’t have any control over the other person or what they think. Shift the fear of losing control to controlling ourselves, and the fear will dissipate. We need to realize when we are reacting out of a place of fear and consciously make amends for our unloving actions.
Reacting comes from a place of fear because we aren’t pausing to evaluate the situation. A response occurs when we take a moment to assess what is happening and answer accordingly. When we accept responsibility, we empower ourselves to change the situation.
We are responsible for our thoughts, emotions, words, and actions. No one can make us react in ways we don’t choose to do. Therefore, it is our fault for saying hurtful words. We are accountable for how we feel, and we can arrange to feel differently. We can choose not to blame others for anything as it keeps us in a victim mentality and prevents us from moving forward.
When we make a genuine connection with another, when we find out just how amazing they are, we see others with the new lens of love instead of through our expectations of who we want them to be.
Responding with Compassion, Help, and Support
We show compassion by growing beyond the perpetual misunderstandings that occur all around us. Be fully present and aware of what is happening around us so you can respond lovingly to each other by showing your compassion for our fellow human beings. Responding with love in all our interactions with others is how we can authentically connect with everyone we meet. Through the vehicle of compassion, all interactions with people can be loving.
A compassionate response is our ability to engage with the pain and suffering of another in a gentle, accepting way while showing strength. The motivation behind compassion is to reduce the suffering of another. Sometimes, the best compassion we can offer someone is inside our heads. We can acknowledge they are struggling, agree to their reality of who they are and allow them to do what works for them. Sometimes, we try to talk someone out of their pain and suffering when what is needed is gentle help and support. Help and support is voluntary and free-flowing; it is not results and outcomes-driven but completely unconditional. Helping and supporting is unconfined and comes from a place of understanding and peace, a place of unconditional love that does what it can and understands what it cannot. It expects nothing and, at the same time, provides only what we can. It gives others the help they ask for or are ready to receive, rather than what we want to give or think they need, i.e., are we providing care, or are we becoming a crutch? We involve ourselves only to the degree we can help, support, and comfort, and only to the degree they are willing and able to receive. This is compassion for ourselves as well as others.
Compassion for another is the ability to see a part of us in another person. The same Spirit that is in us is in them, and we want no one to suffer. We are more alike than we are different, and when we pause for a moment and see the other person, we can see the similarities. We all fear not being valued and acknowledged, so love and accept all those who cross our path. We are to love those around us for who they are, just as they are.
Responding With Love With Children
We want to be parents that embrace flexibility that allows understanding. Through our understanding and flexibility, new ideas, options, and new ways to create become readily available tools we can implement at any time. Now, we transfer that flexibility and understanding to our children by raising them through our example. Guide them to the outcomes that work for them. We can’t mash a square peg in a round hole, and it is the same with children.
Remember, we learn best through experience, so don’t try to prevent every “mistake” children might make. Mistakes are required for learning. So, take away the judgment of mistakes, take away the rightness and wrongness of it, and replace it with “works or doesn’t work” because critical judgments on little ones can be devastating. The child will internalize the negative judgments and create inaccurate measurements of self – “I did wrong, so I am wrong.” “I make mistakes, so I am a mistake.” “I did something bad, so I am bad.”
If we want a behavior to continue, pay attention to it. Praise children specifically about something they have done that we want to be repeated. “Thank you for putting your dishes in the sink.” “Excellent job cleaning your room.”
Asking questions with a tone and volume of information and gentleness, not command and demand, allows for flexibility in thought and decision. A tone and volume of information is how you would ask a stranger for directions. Asking questions in this manner also tells a child, “I care about what you think.” This process of questioning will develop a deeper bond. Questions with a tone and volume of information disengage defensiveness and engage the mind for deliberate action instead of reaction. This flexibility also suspends judgment because it teaches them the many different ways to get to number ten. There’s 5+5, 6+4, 11-1, 10, etc. They are all different, but they are also all correct. Our children are all different, but they are also all correct as they are. Agreeing to the reality of their IS-ness and responding according to their level of understanding IS unconditional love.
Responding with the Reality of Their IS-ness
The IS-ness of someone does not describe anything it doesn’t have. The IS-ness is its organic, elemental, and factual state within reality. What IS is a statement of fact, not a question; a complete agreement with what others ARE, without resistance.
Understanding someone is a complete agreement that “that IS who they are,” and all their thoughts, words, and behaviors are encapsulated within them, their IS-ness. It either works for us or doesn’t. Understanding agrees with the facts of reality, with what IS. We don’t have the thought that they should or shouldn’t be who they are because that is not in our ability to control or change. People that work for us fit our compatibility and experiences. People that don’t work for us just don’t, and that’s okay. Understanding allows us to let go of people who don’t work for us instead of trying to prove our worth to them or change their minds to agree with ours.
When someone doesn’t work for us, we can still agree with their reality – “That’s who they ARE.” Agreeing to the reality of someone does not mean we agree with their thought process, beliefs, behavior, or how it works for them. We are simply agreeing to their reality, their IS-ness; we are not agreeing with them. This is why some have difficulty accepting someone they disagree with. For some, accepting them also means agreeing with their beliefs and behaviors, which can be challenging, if not impossible, to reconcile.
When we agree to the reality of someone we emphatically disagree with, we only agree to their reality, not their ideology. We may find their ideology and behavior unacceptable, but we can agree to the reality that IS them, that IS who they are, and that IS what they think and do, and it does not work for us. We disagree with their version of reality but agree to the reality that it IS that.
Once we agree to the reality of someone we disagree with, we can decide how to respond, what is within our power to act, to what doesn’t work for us. It’s much easier for us to change what we do than change what the other does. This agreement to the IS-ness of others is a powerful way to respond with love. This is at the heart of unconditional love.
Responding to Ourselves with Unconditional Love
We want others to treat us with respect, no judgments, and accept all of us without condition. We measure our worth based on how we are treated. We can’t control if others treat us this way, but we want it regardless because what we want from others is that lifeline to our worth. Too often, we put our worth in people and things outside of us that we can’t control. This creates conditional love with what others do or don’t do, what things happen or don’t happen. When these conditions out of our control aren’t met, we struggle tremendously. Examples include: “My worth just broke up with me; my worth just left me; my worth just drove down the street; my worth just divorced me; my worth just fired me; my worth is accomplishments, and I don’t have enough of them.”
Our worth is organic within us; an effective way to realize this is to treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us and notice our emotions with that behavior. We don’t need external validation when we treat ourselves with love and respect. We don’t need accomplishments or relationships to establish our worth. All of these things are important, and we can like them endlessly. But putting our worth in things we can’t directly control puts our worth at risk. Our worth becomes fleeting. When our worth is sound, projecting our worth in our work, results and outcomes happen naturally.
The most important relationship we can have is with ourselves. All relationships we hold dear will be enhanced when our worth is grounded from within. Repeat this belief until it feels like home – I agree to the reality that I treat myself the way I want others to treat me.
Highest Thought Keeps Us in Unconditional Love
To stay on track with who we think we are, go to our highest thought about ourselves and create the image in our minds of what we would think, say, and do. Who would we be if we lived that highest thought every day? How would we respond to others? How would we respond to ourselves? What difference do we see between the highest thought of ourselves vs. what we fear about ourselves right now? Our highest thought is who we are. That is where we’re going. Move toward it, move into it, and the difference disappears. No family or friend can take us off the track of who we’re trying to be. It won’t matter if they see or don’t see because in believing our highest thought about ourselves, we break the attachment to our acceptance from others and the world. “I agree to the reality that others will see me differently than I see myself, and that works for me because it just IS.”